Summer is Still Boring. - 8/4/2006 in 2005 - 2007: High School

I haven't updated in a while. This is because although things have been happening, they have not been terribly exciting things.

There's the play, which is not very exciting. There isn't really any of that spine tingly excitement that being part of a musical production usually creates. It's disappointing. This is probably partly because the pit is so small, and includes stragers. There are nine of us, including the director, who also plays two keyboards at the same time. Maybe it's because it's so disorganized. All of our scores are handwritten and extremely hard to read. The majority of rehearsal time has been spent trying to figure out what is wrong with the scores. Things are hard to fix, since we all have different measure numbers. Oh, and we sound bad. That could be part of it.

The other kids from the highschool are Alice, Rob, and Noah. Besides the four of us, we have two snooty adult violinists, a preppy, college age oboist, an indie, college age cellist, and the director, who is maybe in his twenties and gives off the impression that he is doing this whole thing at gunpoint. He is really nervous and stressed out all the time. Which is understandable, I guess, since he is trying to play two keyboards at the same time, fix the score, get us not to suck, work with the actors, and deal with the director of the play, a real bitch who comes up in the middle of songs and demands things of him in a disapproving tone. Seriously, I haven't even talked to this woman directly, and I still know she's a bitch. The first time I heard her voice, I immediately went, "wow, what a bitch."

I went to see Mr. Casto and JV Jazz Band Guy's band play on Tuesday. That was fun, but also not terribly exciting. They played generic funk type stuff, and I hung out on the grass with Molly and Eric and Alice and my mom. Mr. Casto and JV Jazz Band Guy came over to talk to us during the break, which was cool because, you know, that kind of thing doesn't usually happen to me at concerts. Eric talked about drum major camp, which apparantly was the best thing ever. It made me feel kind of bad again, that there was this huge gathering of special people making connections with other special people and learning how to be good leaders, and that I'm not one of them. But as he talked about it, I kind of came to the conclusion that Mr. Thomas made the right call. It's not really a music thing - not nearly as much as it is a social thing. Drum majors are people like Eric, people with really strong personalities who are naturally the center of attention. People who don't look silly saluting things and giving orders. You know? I am not like that. I am shy. I think I have actually gotten more shy since I've left school. I actually find myself being afraid of people sometimes now - not just awkward, afraid. At our first pit rehearsal, I was about ready to curl up and die just sitting next to indie cellist and Alice. I don't know why. I have also had to make small talk several times during the past month, and am appallingly bad at it. I don't know whether this is a temporary thing, or whether I'll just continue to get less outgoing for the rest of my life. It's quite possible that it's the second one. Apparantly I was a really precocious child. When I was five, I used to go up to people and say "Hi, my name's Aidan O'Connor, what's your name?" and shake hands. I used to be really touchy too. No joke. Of course, I was still a social misfit, I was just completely unaware of it.

I got a new trombone. Which is not as exciting as it should be.

Maybe I am going to be depressed again. I have had really intense insomnia, and sometimes I feel sad late at night. Or... Early in the morning. Sometimes when I am sad for no identifyable reason, I ask myself what the hell I want. I usually come up with "to be aknowledged as supreme lord and master of the universe." But after that, I would settle for having a boyfriend. Maybe it would help too if I were back in school and had something to do and an excuse to hang out with my friends every day. Work does not count as something to do. And the people at work are not my friends. And I hate Gail. Hate her. She's constantly critical, and not even in a constructive way. She just insults everyone and gets in the way of us doing our work. She micromanages. She tells me to do two things at once, and then whichever one I do, she yells at me for not doing the other one. That is one of her favorite things to do.

I should stop being so uncomfortable around Alice. Alice likes me. She talks to me and seems to think I am funny when I'm not being awkward, which is most of the time. She told me about this rock song with a flute in it that she might want to play with me. She said I was a good musician yesterday. She was talking about giving trumpet lessons to this kid who can't make a sound yet.

"Well, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. I mean, I remember being the very last person in my elementary school group lesson who could make a sound on the flute."

"Really! Wow, and I mean, look at you now."

"Well..."

"Oh shut up Aidan, you're one of the best."

I suppose I do sound good when I play the score, even if maybe we don't all sound good together. I have good tone quality, and I can sightread. I'm not sure how it happened. It kind of snuck up on me.

Self esteem: wildly fluctuating.

I'm going to go put on my sexy shoes and go to the Williams center and see how the first performance goes. It might be interesting. The show is "Peter Pan," by the way. Peter Pan is one bizarre and screwed up play. How screwed up, exactly? This screwed up.

This entry is wordy and disorganized and needs some editing. Oh well.