make it worth it in 2016

11:30am

I’m sick. Again. After less than two months. I’ve only been over the weird lasting asthma cough for a few weeks. I don’t understand what is going on with my immune system. I used to only get sick like once every two years, or so. Now I’ve gotten sick every year around this time. This year is the first time I’ve gotten sick twice in a row though. I can’t remember it ever coming on so quickly after a previous round. Something’s going on. I need more vegetables, or something!

I think I’ll go back to drinking screwdrivers. I quit because of all the added sugar but apparently I need the vitamin c intake. hah. Problem solved ;)
You know, except my nose is still running and I’m sure the cough will return any day now. Ugh. So frustrating.

Also, I have yet to send out even one Christmas card. So much for getting it done early this year! I’ve gotten so far as opening the box, several times, and then putting it away. haha. I have made the labels though! And currently there are cards/addresses/lists/pens strewn all across my office desk, but I am doing this instead. =) Of course.

So, I didn’t hear back from TF until yesterday afternoon. Some time around 3pm he finally wrote back and asked how the cupcakes came out.

Dude, seriously? It took you almost 3 days to get around to asking me that? So confusing that guy!

And I know I keep saying that I don’t want to play any games, and blah blah, but I couldn’t help myself at that point. I didn’t respond. I just let it sit. I had every intention of replying later, but the later it got the less I wanted to respond. I figured if it was late enough he was just going to ignore it anyway and start with something different the next day.

This morning we had to come into the office to receive packages so we got up early and had breakfast here. After all that, at almost 10am, I’d finally stopped procrastinating and over-thinking my response. I said, ”Amazing, of course! [in reference to the cupcakes] They just disappeared…kinda like a certain someone I know ;)” Perfect opportunity, right? Sometimes I really am as clever as I look. =P

Less than 10 minutes later he’d responded, “I don’t just disappear, someone I know doesn’t show any interest.”

Ouch. =|

What’s the guy want me to do? Scream it from the rooftops? I don’t really know how else to show him that I’m interested. Yes, I realize that I’m not all over him and I know that I’m not like a typical girl who jumps right into things, but that’s just not me. That’s never been me. And he’s known from the very beginning that I’m shy. In all the months we’ve been talking, I’ve never chased him, or been overly aggressive about wanting him. That doesn’t mean I don’t want him.

Can you blame me though? I’m being cautious. That’s just who I am. And he’d probably call me bitter, or jaded, or cynical, but that’s the way it is.

I always sorta knew I’d end up in a situation like this one day; wanting someone who doesn’t realize how much I actually want them. I’m pretty self-aware. I know that it can be an issue with me. I don’t give freely. At least not until I feel safe.

If he gave me a reason to believe that he wasn’t just messing around, that he’s serious about wanting something long-term, that he’s in it for more than just how great I look in a pair of jeans, maybe then I’d be more open about my own feelings. Well I know I’d be more open about them because I wouldn’t feel like they were going to get thrown back in my face. I’d feel safe and confident about giving someone some thing that’s important to me.

I can’t change that about myself. I guess I could tell him this? It just feels so complicated to get involved with someone. This is why I’ve been single so long!

I’m not asking that much from him. I mean, I’m basically asking the same thing that he is. I want to know that he’s interested, like really interested, before I go out and yell it from the rooftops. Because I will yell it - once I feel like I won’t fall off and get hurt in the process. :-)

It’s not like he’s given me that much confidence in the situation so far. It’s been nearly two months since we’ve gone out and he has yet to make plans to go out again. Am I supposed to believe that that’s someone who is genuinely interested? It doesn’t feel like it on my end.

After a little should I/shouldn’t I, I finally responded to his e-mail: “Ouch. Really? Maybe they were confused by the whole ‘excited to hang out’ and then no follow through, but it’s hard to tell..” because dude, I’m not just going to let that go. It’s not just me making this all confusing here. I’ve been pretty freaken open and straightforward with him this entire time.

Of course he hasn’t responded. Maybe he’ll let it sit for a couple days since he can’t find an easy way to turn this back around on me. Stop giving mixed signals and then perhaps you’d see how interested I am.

I know I need to give a little in order to take. I realize I can work on being more open about how I feel. But I’m just not willing to get hurt right now. I know, I know! It’s better to have loved and lost. You have to be willing to get your heart broken so you can really feel love Whatever. I didn’t grow up that way. We don’t wear our hearts on our sleeves. And you watch enough people die in your life and you forget how to get close to anyone. Sorry. It’s just the way it is right now.

Prove to me you’re worth it and I’ll be willing to let this heart shatter all over the floor.
I’ll just hold onto the hope that I won’t have to.

rose.
12:38pm