mustering joy in diary

So I perhaps am more convinced I am clinically depressed. Did more than yesterday and mayhaps feel less financially strapped but still feel…not ok.
I woke up early today. I had to a bit because I needed a bath and probably not to go out with wet hair. But it was earlier than that and was because my shoulder blades…I would say heart if it was not easy to breath but hurt like stiff when I took deep breathes…were stiff from trying to stay on either side in order to ensure breathing. And it passed as long as I got perpendicular.
Went for my B12 shot. Let’s home second one is the charm. Did my blood tests for the dr apt on the 20th. And checked my blood pressure …141/91. Slightly higher than what would be good, but not bad.
I went to giant tiger. Yougurt and salad dressing was supposed to be on sale there. Did not find the yougurt but did find the dressing and got some pudding to perhaps replace chocolate bars and well can’t remember what else but nothing major and nothing jumped out at me for Christmas gifts.
Still have 3 close family member gifts to get..and $200 bucks till the end of the year. Ideally would find money for 6 people as nothing for the girls bfs yet.
I went to dollarama to get Dixie cups for the bathroom and bags to wash bras in. Have not taken the bags out of the package to ensure they are the right ones yet but found them and then paring knives for stocking stuffers. Then came home to need a 2 hour nap.
Found myself waking up seemingly taking deep breathes to ensure I would live. That’s how I sleep lately. Trying to live. And I don’t want to even put that fear down here in the fear that the universe will see it as an oath in the law of attraction and make it so. Or more so..because it is so already.
Then had leftovers supper and ate a lot ofwhatever was in sight after that. And watched Pure Genius. I get that Christmas shows are supposed to be tear jerkers with a happy ending. But my tears are too easy to jerk these days, so they really need to lay off that stuff. And the happy endings need not to be so..pat. Not joyous, not that I would buy joyous anyways, but it was a little too much ‘nothing bad happens at christmas’y for me.
I am taking deep breathes and trying to sort out what to do to get me out of this mood. My grandson is 5 tomorrow…I have grandchildren....I should be happy. I don’t live in a third world country…I have not ever..nor will I ever live in a third world country. While there is room for improvement…women are pretty darn free and safe here. I don’thave a terminal illness…my kids and grandkids are all healthy. The mere fact that all those things are true and I can’t muster joy…is not good. I shall go do my dance (dancing to guitarzan the other day helped) and try....