what do you want from me in 2016

12:15pm

My mind is apparently running at full speed these days because I am constantly wanting to come in here and type stuff out. There isn’t even that much going on. Too many thoughts to keep my brain settled, I guess. Too much to process on its own.

I was supposed to have a nice quiet day at home this morning, but about an hour ago I remembered that we were going to have a package delivered at the office today. They don’t usually leave our packages with the other businesses and it’s an important one. We’d have to come in and sit here all day tomorrow if I missed it. This guy’s schedule is unpredictable too. If it were ups I could tell you he’d be here around 10am and he’d call if we were closed. But this fedex guy shows up whenever he wants. Usually sometime between noon and 3pm.

I wasn’t really wanting to waste the whole day tomorrow so I got up, rushed to take a shower, got dressed, and ran over here. Except right before I left I realized that I didn’t have a key. I found one that looked similar hanging in the kitchen and lucky for me it worked. My back-up plan was to sit in the truck and wait until I saw him and then hope he’d recognize and/or believe I worked here.

So, now I sit. Good thing I’d already made breakfast and had at least a cup and half of coffee. :) My plan to watch trashy television while writing out Christmas cards was shattered, but oh well. I’ll catch up someday. Plus the trashy stuff wasn’t even that good this morning. ha. I brought the cards with me to hopefully get some of them finished. I tend to mail them like the day before Christmas eve every year so my only goal is to try to get it done sooner than that. =]

Thought processing comes first though.

TF never responded to my e-mail last night. Maybe he’s annoyed that I keep reminding him about work stuff. lol. I don’t know. It’s just an excuse to talk to him. duh! He didn’t say good morning today either. It’s weird when someone gets you used to something and then they stop doing it. Like hey! you’re the one that started this, don’t quit now!

The same way he acts all enthusiastic about something and doesn’t follow through. It’s seriously not that hard! I’m right here, I am clearly available, and I like you. What more do you want from me?!

It’s like the phone number thing all over again. Am I the one that has to make all the actual moves? Maybe he’s just not staring down the same deadline that I am.

My dilemma is that I can’t decide what I want to do here. Do I want to wait for him to reach out and just see how it goes. Ride the wave and let it do whatever it’s going to do.
Or do I want to find my assertive side and just ask if he’s going to want to hang out this week? Use a little more of my free will to nudge fate along.

I’m going to run out of time to make a decision. Either that, or the decision will just be made for me because it’s Thursday afternoon already.

I wish he’d just say hi and then I could bring it up. I think this e-mail thing was probably a bad idea. I mean, it was a good idea in a lot of ways: I dislike having to carry my phone around every where just in case, I’m not a big texter, not a lot of words fit into one message, I tend to spend more time on a computer in general, I like not being dependent on my phone waiting for it to buzz, etc and so forth.

The bad thing is that I’m sitting at the computer with my e-mail open waiting for it to light up. hah! Also, it’s a lot easier to sit and type something up when I’m bored. There are no restrictions. I feel a lot more free to just contact him randomly even if it’s not “my turn.” I can say whatever, whenever and not worry about sending 30 messages back and forth during the day.

I feel like whenever I reach out like this, wanting to talk all the time or connect, he tends to pull away. It’s fine if he’s the one sending all the messages. That’s on his terms. It’s different when I do it though. Suddenly he stops responding. He disappears for a couple of days. And I feel bad for trying to get closer to him.

I don’t think he does it on purpose. It doesn’t really feel intentional at all. But sit here alone with your thoughts long enough and it all feels like one giant conspiracy the world is trying to break me with.

I’m not trying to be the crazy girl here. What I want is simple. Don’t get my hopes up, if you’re not going to follow through. Don’t act like you want me, if you don’t want every part of me. Don’t make me want you, if you’re just going to walk away. Be honest and straightforward no matter what.

Ok. I’m done ranting for now. I still want to update on what was said over the weekend but I’m over it at the moment.

Plus the delivery has been made and I get to go back home to my couch!

rose.
1:37pm