everywhere ahead, everywhere behind in 2016

7:21pm

Well, today was interesting.

Kinda. I guess. Maybe not really. hah.

I feel like I have so much to do, no time to do any of it, and yet nothing really to do at all. That’s weird, isn’t it? I should make a list. The world is making me feel like I’m forgetting something important. But I think about it and I can’t really come up with what it could be.

The Christmas lights are almost finished. I need the edge of the lawn and a small tree we have in the center. Basically I just need to get out there and put them on. Mom wants to help though and I feel bad doing it without her. She’ll be gone tomorrow morning and then we were invited for dinner tomorrow night [tortas!]. Maybe Friday? If nothing comes up.

Speaking of Friday: I super strongly hinted at TF that he should ask me out for some time this week and I am sitting here trying to figure out why the heck he hasn’t mentioned it!

I don’t get it. He’s the one that seemed so stoked to get together when I saw him last Thursday. What was that all about? I mean, he brought it up. He was the one that said that he was excited to hang out with me again. So what the heck?

I know I said that I might be out of town this week so this morning I shot him an e-mail [even though he never responded to that whole I think you’re awesome too exchange] to say good morning and ask how things were going. Once that was out of the way I mentioned that I wasn’t going to be going out of town like I thought and made a joke about having to show up at work today. All he said was, “that sucks” and so I mentioned being in town again and that it was good not travelling because I’d done so much this year already. Just to drill it in you know. Still nothing.

Yesterday I’d reminded him about bringing in paperwork as a way to get him to look for it and come into the office today. Then when he didn’t show up I sent another e-mail at the end of the work day today to say that he’d forgotten. He hasn’t responded to that one yet.

But come on! What do I have to do to get this guy to go out with me again?!
Yes, I know, I could ask him out myself, but dude I’m just not that kinda girl! I want him to want to spend time with me. That’s all I’ve really ever wanted in someone.
And don’t seem so excited only to not take the opportunity that I am clearly giving you. I can only throw out so many hints before I feel like I’m straight-up pressuring you. Yes, I also realize that guys are pretty oblivious and subtle hints don’t work. But my hints aren’t so subtle. Sometimes they can’t get any clearer like, “when are we going to hang out again?”

Whatever. A part of me wants to reach out and be like, “hey, you realize that my saying I’d be home was a giant hint at wanting to go out with you again!” I don’t know though. Do I want to make that move? It’s just that I’m feeling the pressure of not really having any other weekend day available before the end of the year.

I felt like this was supposed to happen. The way our trip got cancelled. I’d never wanted to go but I was going to suck it up and do it anyway. Family obligations and catholic guilt, and all that. Then it was cancelled, through none of my doing. That felt like a sign. [One that I asked for, and couldn’t ignore]

Oh well. It is what it is.

Also today Mom called M out in MT and she mentioned how J was here a couple months ago and nobody let us know. Turns out that the “friend” he was with [the neighbor had mentioned he’d come with someone but didn’t say who. We figured it was some random person from MT] was actually CK. =|

Mom mentioned it a couple of times. One time saying that my friend was in town and I mumbled something like “yeah, some friend he was.” A client was walking in though and it was dropped. Later she mentioned him again, giving me more details. I guess they’d come in with some horses nearby and weren’t going to even stop but had to because they were already so close. I don’t even know if they went up to see CK’s family. From what we know they just came in one night, had dinner, slept, and left early the next morning. We were out of town that day any way [I think it was during the OR/WA trip?*].

I don’t know how I feel about this. It certainly doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. A year, or two, ago I probably would have been pretty bummed out at the fact that he was right there and didn’t say anything. I guess it was good we were out of town.

I’ll admit though, there is a part of me that kinda hopes he thought about me. Maybe wondering if I was going to be home when he knew he was coming. Maybe hoping he’d run into me outside.

I don’t know why I feel this way. Perhaps knowing that would help me feel like it wasn’t a complete waste of time. That I didn’t imagine all those moments together. That all those years actually meant something to him. I don’t know.

Add it to the long list of guy things I do not understand.

rose.
9:08pm

*I was just thinking about all this and I realized that if this was during the OR/WA trip that was the same time when I was strongly considering sending him a text. It was this urge that I had that was more than just because I’d found the Irish Death. So weird. I had not made that connection before…

Last updated January 24, 2017