Some interesting stuff happened during the rest of this week, so I suppose I should update.
Wednesday was the day of silence at our school (you can sign up not to talk for the day to show your support for gay rights.) I decided to do it this year. It was an extremely interesting experience. First of all, it was really hard. Especially in Odyssey, when I had this killer point that I really wanted to make and couldn't. But I did it, and by the end of the day it had gotten a lot easier. You kind of lose the urge to put everything into words because you realize that you don't have to. Second of all, it was interesting to see how people reacted. The girls in my bio class who talk to me once in a while just kind of joked about it and laughed uncomfortably. A bunch of people appologized after they talked to me. Dave talked to me anyway, and managed to keep the conversation surprisingly interesting all by himself. Madame Belakanovski was pretty much a jerk about it, asking me direct questions about why this was necessary and talking about how annoying it was that a few other kids and I weren't participating. Other silent kids who I didn't even know would wave to me when they saw my sticker. I honestly don't think any of these reactions related to gay rights in any way, but it was interesting to see how people reacted to silence. There is something very frightening about silence, and it was cool to confront that.
But in another way, it made the day kind of sucky. They day was also completely Julian-less because of the AP calc test.
Thursday started out pretty okay. The school day was pretty mundane. Really the only thing of interest that happened was that I got assigned (dun dun dun) The Health Project. You know, the one that you always see in sitcoms that I didn't know was actually assigned in real life until last year. At our school there are three choices: you can get married, carry around a sack of flour for a week, or take care of a mechanical crying baby for the weekend. I chose the sack of flour. I haven't actually gotten or decorated my sack of flour yet. I'm such a bad mother.
I brought the project up at lunch.
Julian: You chose the flour? I think marriage is the way to go, it's really easy.
Dave: Yeah.
Me: Isn't the packet you have to fill out huge though?
Dave: Yeah, but you only have to fill out half of it.
Me: Point. I thought it would be awkward though, having to like, pick someone.
Julian: I found a solution to that. My plan was to start with the person sitting farthest to the left in the front row, and just work my way back going, "Will you marry me? Will you marry me?" That way it's not awkward because the person knows there's no actual preference involved, it's just arbitrary based on where they're sitting.
Adam: Who did you marry?
Julian: Helen Greenwald... The person sitting in the front row farthest to the left.
Me: Oh yeah. Wasn't your wedding song Bohemian Rhapsody?
Julian: That was her first choice. Mine was The Chicken.
Dave: It wasn't awkward for me and Bonnie, because she refused to actually work with me on the project. I actually ended up doing most of it.
Me: Bonnie was slacking off? She never slacks off.
Dave: Not normally, but she hates group projects.
Somehow after that the conversation got really awkward. Like, way too sexually suggestive of a conversation for me to be having with this particular group of people. Then Adam and Julian started quoting TV shows at each other and talking about Star Wars, and Dave and I started talking about something else. Stupid Adam coming over to our table. Doesn't he have techie things to occupy himself with?
Went home. Went running. (I have been doing this recently to see if I can get myself at least a little bit in shape. It is not really working.) Took a nap. Went to jazz band wearing a pretty skirt and flip flops and listening to good music. Felt happy. Then when I got to jazz band, Mr. Casto and JV jazz band guy were talking about me and how the flute thing was really good last time and how maybe we should do that again for the next concert. (It was kind of weird, because I was right there.) I ended up talking to Mr. Casto about it. I had been under the impression that for the next concert you had to come up with the song you wanted to play yourself if you wanted to be in a combo, and I'm not assertive enough to do that so I figured I wouldn't be in one. But I told him that I would like to do something even though I didn't have any ideas, and he said that he would come up with something for me to play, and appreciates that I am willing to "take any challenge he throws out there." So I am in a combo again. This made me more happy. He also told me that next year in varsity jazz band we are playing a song that has a lead flute part.
I drove Dave home from jazz band. We both agreed that we haven't jammed in too long and that we need to do it again sometime soon. Then he said, "Do you get the feeling that Julian is..."
"Ditching us?"
"Yes."
"Yeah, he is."
Silence. Sinking feeling.
"I thought I might have been imagining that. You noticed too, huh?"
"Yeah, I may be oblivious socially, but when it comes to musical things I usually pay attention. He's got two gigs coming up with Jay and Rob."
"Yeah, he's playing with Malcolm* too."
"Really? I didn't know that. Aw man."
"Yeah, I even heard them talking, and Malcolm mentioned me as a possibility for being in the band, and Julian kind of... didn't seem into that possibility."
"Well, maybe that's because you made everything awkward."
"Yeah. Fuck. I was afraid I was going to kill the band, and look, I killed the band."
"It's alright. We can find another horn player."
"Ugh, no we can't! He was such a good horn player!"
Pause.
"So lunch was really awkward today."
"I thought maybe I was imagining that one too."
"I kept thinking, 'If this is awkward for me, imagine how awkward it must be for Aidan.'"
"It was my fault at first. Then I thought maybe if I just ignored it it would go away. But then Adam kept going with it."
"Yeah, he did. I think Julian felt the most awkward out of all of us though."
I dropped him off and drove home. I absolutely crashed. All the happiness was gone. My will to live was not quite high enough to give me the motivation to drive carefully. It doesn't matter how many combos I get. If he doesn't like me - if all I do is make him uncomfortable - nothing else has any point. And it doesn't matter how stupid that is. It's true. It was the worst I'd felt in a while.
Friday was better because he talked to me. He talked to me at lunch, and he talked to me while we were waiting in the gym to give blood. I gave blood for the first time Friday. It was mostly just waiting around, but it was kind of cool. I will definately do it again. I also got free cookies, and it got me out of French and half of a precalc without Dave. I said something to Julian about how by having a terrible class, Madame Belakanovski was making a significant contribution to the red cross. He laughed.
Adam and Matt the drummer were there too. Adam came over by himself to talk to me while I was lying down on the table thing. He was too close to me and I could not move. There was some sort of affection in his voice and in what he said to me, which, based on his interactions with a few other gothy/nerdy people that he hangs out with now, I think is the way he deals with everyone he considers to be his friend. He gave a few people hugs while I was there. I do not like these people - huggy people - people who are overly affectionate with their friends. It seems incredibly artficial to me, and almost vulgar. Affection should be a big deal. It should not be something you spread around to everyone you know. I still don't like how much he's changed. I still don't like that he thinks everything's okay between us. But I no longer feel anything when he gets that close to me.
Matt talked to me after Adam left, and walked me over to the recovery table and stayed with me in case I was going to pass out or something. Matt is a nice kid.
At night there was food and a concert at the Organic Grocery Store. This was one of Julian's gigs. I called Dave to see if he and Molly wanted to go with me. After he tried to avoid answering me for a while, he finally told me awkwardly that they were going on a date. I said that that was fine, go on your date. I tried not to let this make me feel sucky, but I couldn't help it. It wasn't that it happened, and it wasn't that it was awkward. It was that it didn't have to be awkward, and it was. I wanted to say, "Dude, what is wrong with you? Just tell me that you are already doing something with Molly, don't act like I am going to be offended unless you hide the truth from me." In general, I don't think that the me-and-them situation has gotten too uncomfortable yet, but the perfect way to make it uncomfortable would be for them to pity me. I don't want that. I am fine. Two people still consider me to be their best friend, and that is more than a lot of people can say.
I went to the Organic Grocery Store by myself. It was not that big of a deal. I ate some food. I hung out with RJ for a while, and it was only slightly awkward. I watched Julian, Jay and Rob play. They played a couple of jazz band songs and all of the stuff we normally play at Tri-M things. Afterwards, I went up to where Julian was sitting with his family and talked to him. He told me stories about not practicing and laughed at things I said, and said, "see you," when I left. He smiled the whole time he was talking to me. Showing his teeth. He is beautiful when he smiles. His parents seemed very happy to see me. His parents seem to like me. I wonder if they know about what happened.
Loading comments...