just give me a try in 2016

8:42pm

I think I’m in trouble now.

Not like, actual trouble, but like I’m all caught up in this thing again. I definitely tried to push him away. Out of habit, or out of fear, or out of reason. I’m not sure. But it did not work!

Then again maybe he’s the one in trouble. Judging from the amount of text messages we’ve exchanged this afternoon.

To the beginning:
I was hanging out all day. Being pretty productive. I got up, did exercises, ate breakfast, and started cleaning my room. The top of my dresser was pretty covered in dust from having the window open most days this summer. So I just went for it and started dusting/reorganizing. Mom decided to leave sometime while this was going on and I opted to stay home and get stuff done.

After cleaning up I ended up outside to mow the lawn. Even socialized with each of my next door neighbors. Yikes! And pulled some grass from around the pond. Random things to stay outside and soak up some sun. I thought about getting the lights out but I can’t move the boxes on my own and we don’t have anywhere to put them since Mom’s stuff is still taking over the garage. She’d actually gone to look for new furniture since she sold everything when we started the floors.

Once I’d had enough outside I came inside. Mom was still far away so I figured I had time before I needed to shower. We were planning to go to the office as soon as she got back. So I watched TV and had a snack [Salami, cheese, celery, crackers, ranch dip. Yum!] and another cup of coffee.

I’d been contemplating getting in touch with TF all day. If we were going to go to the office it was a pretty good excuse to get him to drop off the letter. So I went to take a shower to get ready and then I heard from Mom who was due in another hour.

I sent TF another text. We’d had a quick exchange this morning - just good mornings and how’s the day. I mentioned that I was taking advantage of the free days I had left before the year’s up. He said I should. [hint hint silly!]

So I asked if he’d be in town at all this afternoon because I was heading to the office and he could drop off the letter. At first he said he’d be around in an hour, which was perfect. But then he asked how long I’d be there because I guess he was planning to go to the gym. I was only running in to grab some papers and change the schedule so I told him I could go anytime he just needed to tell me when he was free.

Around 4:30, after Mom got home and had lunch, we checked the answering machine and there were a few messages. We decided to just go in and see what we could get done. Turns out our quick trip to change schedules turned into three back-to-back appointments within an hour. haha.

TF was the first to call after we’d gotten there. He called my cell to ask where I was and said he’d be right over. He made a joke about taking shots and I said I forgot the tequila at home. He said he’d stop and grab a bottle and I laughed and said there was no way I could actually drink at work. hah. So he said he’d just show up without it.

I got nervous. Like hands shaking nervous! No idea what was happening to me. Except, you know, we hadn’t seen each other since our “date” over a month ago. The one where we were holding hands in his truck and hugging in my driveway. A lot has happened via text/calls since then! Including pushing him away and falling back in. =\

He walked in within a couple minutes. I was sitting in the back at my work desk, instead of having stayed up front waiting. He walked right in, said hi to my mom [practicing his Spanish!] and sat at her desk. I came out from the back shortly after but he didn’t say a word to me. Didn’t even turn to make eye contact when I moved up front! Obviously he knew it was me moving around! Jerk. I felt weird just saying “hi” without him even looking at me.

Eventually I inserted myself into their conversation when I asked mom a question about a file she wanted pulled for her. She was telling TF about how she’s been so busy with laying floors and other stuff coming up. He said she should put her daughter to take on more of the work. I scoffed and said, “thanks a lot!” “You’re so nice!” At some point he said something about me not being a very good daughter and then goes, “no, I’m kidding. You have a very good daughter.” Thanks for the compliment dude, but you’re still talking too much smack. ha.

It was right around this time in the conversation that he finally turned to look at me and oh boy! That moment when he glanced over, made eye contact, and smiled at me. Yikes! When the heck did he get so good looking?! ;) Boy o’boy that look’s going to be the end of me.

I don’t remember everything that was said. He wasn’t there long at all. Mom had asked something about the alcohol and he turned to look at me and said he’d asked me if he should bring it. I was like, “yeah! but he wanted to drink it here!” and she said we couldn’t do that. That our clients just bring the bottles to us and he joked about what fun that could be. I said we drink them at home after work.

The next client walked in around this time so we didn’t get to joke around with him at all. That sucked. So many things could have been said! I did say something about how now Rose was going to get to go to Spain. He mumbled something and said it wasn’t even enough to cover pretzels and a drink. haha. Then Mom told him he better be saving it for Spain and he said he’d already spent it. Noooo! This is the one thing I’m looking forward to in life. haha. What else will I have? =P

But, like I said, we didn’t get much time to joke with him. The other two people were sitting in the waiting area already and he got up and started to leave. Mom was saying something to him, that I didn’t quite pay attention to, and he was staring at me and saying bye. I didn’t want him to leave. I didn’t think he was going to go. I thought maybe he’d hang out and talk to me up front, or I’d take him back to my desk, but nope. He walked out the door.

Within minutes I got a text message: “No hugs at the office, no drinking at the office and no wearing of the cool socks at the office.”
Me: You didn’t even say hi! We drink at the house. And I have cool socks on!
He claimed I was the one that didn’t say hi and that he didn’t get to see the socks. I said that he’d walked right past me and didn’t stick around long enough. He said we had clients and he didn’t want to be “disrespectful.” Whatever that means?

Actually yeah. As much as I would have liked for him to sit back at my desk with me, I can see how it might have been weird. Us talking with them listening. The office isn’t very big. We certainly couldn’t talk about anything personal. I don’t know what we would have said to each other sitting back there alone. I mean JR does it, and the bbq guy does it, and whoever else, but I don’t have this same connection with them.

He said that he would bring a six-pack and we could sit in the parking lot. I said that I didn’t have a client he could have sat in the back with me and asked if that’s what all the cool kids were doing and that I thought it was a school night. He said it was and that he didn’t know I could have friends over on school nights. ha! I said that I wasn’t the one that had school nights. At least not until January.

He responded that we needed to hang out soon. I said that I’d been trying to tell him this! I mean how much can you hint at it before you just give up!? He said that he had a wedding this weekend but that we should get dinner next week. I made a joke about him getting married [because I’m cool like that] and said that he should have stayed today, and that I might be out of town next weekend so I’d let him know.

Before I’d sent that response he’d also said that he was “excited to hang out” with me again. Heh. I guess I wasn’t the only one feeling the re-connection! =] Clearly I am not imaging this thing between us. It’s impossible. Right?

He asked where we could have hung out. I said anywhere. That it didn’t have to be some fancy thing. That I would have totally sat out in the parking lot with him. Because come on. Of course I would do that. I just want to sit and talk with him. Just hang out. It doesn’t have to be some huge production on a special day of the week. As much as I enjoyed that first day, I don’t have to spend 6 hours with him every time we hang out. I could survive on a lot less! I’d rather have a bunch of short meetings than having to wait months for one big one.

His response was asking what I was doing tomorrow around noon. I said that I had no idea and it depended on what he was going to say next. He eventually replies, “you can make me lunch…” and I laughed so hard when I saw that. Like literally laughed out loud. Best text I’ve probably ever gotten. haha! We had a quick exchange later about how I wasn’t free for that but he could make me lunch. He suggested my mom make us both lunch and I said she wasn’t into that either. That’s where we ended for the day.

I don’t know if he’ll actually get in touch in the morning. I know I’ve said before that he’s a big talker but not a big walker. Sometimes it feels like he gets shy, but I know that he’s not shy! So I don’t know. Either way. I’ll see what I get done in the morning and make time for a potential get-together just in case.

I have to admit something - I’m definitely working hard to talk myself out of making the confession. Despite my best efforts and intentions. There’s just not a lot of time left. I know I’ll be too busy next month to meet up with him. Things will slow between us while I’m working. And I so want to ride this wave! I want to see where it goes. I want to connect with him and feel whatever I feel. I don’t want to ruin it by saying what I need to say. If we have some short moment together I really don’t want to bring it up. If we do hang out for a long afternoon, I’ll for sure tell him when it’s over. Like I’d force myself into it. But just a casual get-together in the afternoon? I don’t know if I could find the right opportunity to bring it up.

The main reason I want to tell him is because I don’t think it’s fair for him not to know. He should know I’m not that kind of girl by now, but we definitely have a connection and it is 2016. I know what guy’s are looking for. I’m not that naive! I guess a part of me wants to spend more time convincing him that I’d be worth waiting for though. That he could survive this thing with me. But I don’t know. I’ve never been in this situation before! I’ve never had to even consider telling someone before. I don’t know how it works. I don’t know what the process is!

We’ll just see how it goes. I’ll wing it like I do everything else. Ride the wave for now and see where it takes me.
Without letting it take me too far out! I promise. What’s fair is fair. I’ll do the right thing in the end. I know that for sure.

But damn. Those eyes. And that smile. swoon

rose.
10:39pm