the milisecond that you're away in 2016

10:30pm

I’m not really sure where I want to start tonight, or what I want to say, but I know that I have a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head and I need to get them out. It never does me any good to keep them all wrapped up in there.

A big thing right now is the whole going back to work thing. I don’t want to sound selfish, or totally lazy, but I’m dreading it. It’s hard to jump from a few hours of work a week to 50+ hours at the drop of a hat. All I can think about is that constant ring of the telephone, and people with the most annoying questions, and my poor introverted batteries being so depleted that I start running like a zombie.

Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy reconnecting with our clients. I love hearing about everything that’s happened. I like the jokes, and the stories, and all that other good stuff! But it’s just too much socializing for me. Too much without a break. Without recharge time. I know I’ll survive, but it’s not without its sacrifices.

Which leads me to the whole TF thing. It’s seriously been throwing me off because I have no idea where to go with it.
Yesterday we got to work early to meet a client and right before she arrived Mom pulled some mail out of her bag and read out his name followed by hers. She’s got like a poa type thing that gets people to include her on letters. We’ve been waiting for another letter for months. It’s always so random the way they just show up.

I asked her where she’d been hiding it. She said it was from the mail the day before that she hadn’t gone through. It was a letter filled with really good news. Something we’ve been waiting for. So she asked what his number was and I laughed and asked if it was bad if I had it memorized. hah. I rattled it off to her and went to sit down as it rang over and over. I figured she’d get his voicemail if it was ringing so much, but I guess he answered right around the same time that our client showed up.

I missed most of the conversation but it was quick. It turns out that he sounded pretty busy, but that he had gotten a letter. She asked why he hadn’t mentioned it and he said something about not having gone through it yet. I didn’t really get the details.

A couple of hours later he asked when we were going to eat flautas and I made a joke about how it was going to happen after work although it was supposed to be tacos [a joke about Tuesdays and the fact that we were actually planning to have tacos]. He winked at me. He did a lot of winking. To the point where later I asked what was going on and whether or not he was the same guy I always talk to. haha.

I’d sent a text later that afternoon about how I heard he’d gotten in trouble. He said my mom doesn’t play. I laughed and asked where he thought I’d gotten it from. hah. He said he was going to bring the letter in today but I said that he’d be in even more trouble because we weren’t working. He thought we only worked on Wednesdays and I said we’d switched up the schedule. He also said that he’d just come see me and give me the letter and I joked that that sounded a lot like mixing business and personal. Which is where the rest of the winking came into play.

We were gone all day today. I thought maybe he’d try to come by after work and I’d have to tell him that we were out of town. Then Mom was supposed to go to SF for business tomorrow so I figured I’d be home alone. I thought maybe I’d ask if he wanted to meet me at the office, or here, to give me the letter. But tonight she decided that she probably wasn’t going to go. I might still check to see if he wants to meet me, but I don’t know.

I recalculated the days he’s supposed to have his son and I think I was off a week. He might actually have him this weekend, which means no hang out. And that’s the part that’s killing me.
Because yeah, sure, it’s the end of the year and stuff is going on, and all that. But for me it means that all I have left is this coming month. That’s it. I’ll basically fall off the face of the earth. I’ll be so wrapped up in work that I won’t have time for anything else. Even if I wanted to hang out, my only free day would be Sundays, and there’s only a few of those over the next few months.

This is it for us. And if you look at all the weekends, and take my schedule and the holidays into account, there isn’t a free weekend. Not a single one. =( He doesn’t know that though. It’ll probably hit him in January when I stop responding to text messages and have to tell him I’ll see him again in a few months. And it sucks.

I want to say that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. Maybe this is a sign from the world. I believe in all that. But it’s hard, and it still sucks. Because I want to connect with him. I want to see him again. Even going a whole day, like today, without talking to him is hard for me. Imagine doing that for months?

Sure, he can come see me at work, but that won’t ever be the same. We’ll go back to what we had before. Unspoken words. And it’s been months that we’ve been trying to figure this out. I just hate that I have no control over it. I can’t change my circumstances. I can’t change his either.

It’s just meant to be this way, right? Right??

I want to believe that. I do. So badly. But every time I ask for a sign it leads me back to him. Texts messages out of nowhere. Random letters in the mail. Energies that make me feel like we’ll reconnect. And yet every time that I think we’ll finally have a moment, it turns out that those moments get washed away. Stuff comes up to block them. Plans get changed, and cancelled, and set up in their place.

I guess, maybe, I expected this to be easier. I thought when I finally found someone it would be simple, and easy, and clear, and undeniable.

What is it that they say about assuming? …

rose.
11:33pm