So I guess you guys are probably wondering how things are going Julian-wise.
The completely unexpected and rather confusing answer: absolutely, positively, 100% fine.
Here's my theory as to what is going on.
On my part: I am still in love with him, but I am no longer killing myself over it. I still think about him all the time, stare at him, and hang out with him as much as I can. But now, instead of being pretty sure that nothing can ever happen, I know that nothing can ever happen. I am okay with this, since I don't think I would be comfortable in a relationship with him anyway. So I just go on loving him, without the incredible stress and tension, and even without much awkwardness. I think I am actually more comfortable in this situation. I am also still incredibly proud of myself for having had the guts to tell him how I feel. For the past few days, I have been in a decidedly good mood.
On his part: He now knows that I like him. However, he actually believes me when I say that I will be fine, and he is not worried that I am going to hold onto false hope or hate him forever or break into his house and rape him or anything. Although he still has absolutely no romantic interest in me... I'm pretty sure that he is flattered. I am basing this off of the fact that for the past few days, he has been more social than normal and seems to be in a very good mood. When Alicia was joking about him being a pimp yesterday, he played along with it instead of lowering his eyes, laughing, and not saying anything. He shows his teeth more than usual when he smiles. He says hi to me in the hallways and sits next to me at lunch. We are playing together in the Java Jam.
Have you ever been in a situation where you couldn't think of a single positive outcome, but it just randomly turned out really well anyway? Yeah, it's a weird feeling.
You'll also be happy to know that Ann Whatsherface approves of the situation.
Me: So, I've mentioned the kid that I'm obsessed with, right?
Ann Whatsherface: Yes, I think so.
Me: Yeah, I told him how I feel about him last week.
Ann Whatsherface: Really! That's impressive!
Me: Yeah, it's weird - it didn't go over so well with him, but I actually feel really happy right now, and everything seems to be fine.
Ann Whatsherface: What did you say to him, exactly? How did it happen?
Me: Well, I spent like two hours preparing a speech, and then I called him on the phone one night and gave him the speech. I just told him that I liked him, and said that I wanted to know if those feelings were mutual.
Ann Whatsherface: What made you finally do it?
Me: ...I'm not sure, actually. I guess it was just getting to the point where it was painful, so I decided to do something about it.
Ann Whatsherface: What did he say?
Me: ...Not much.
Ann Whatsherface: I think I remember you saying he was very quiet.
Me: Yeah. He's kind of that person who, rather than participating in conversations, stands next to conversations and occasionally comments on them.
Ann Whatsherface: Well, most often when people feel uncomfortable in these situations, it's because they feel like some kind of pressure is being put on them. But if you really just put it out there for him - 'look, this is how I feel about you' - there's no expectation there, so there's no reason for him to feel uncomfortable.
Me: Pf. Yeah, there really was no expectation.
Ann Whatsherface: So it's really just like a gift - paying the person a compliment without expecting anything in return. A lot of people end up being absolutely fine with it. No awkwardness. What is it that you like about him, exactly?
Me: ...Jeez, I - Everything. He's really smart, and really funny, and really nice, and I... just like spending time with him.
Ann Whatsherface: And the quietness, too. That seems to factor into it for you, am I right?
Me: Well... Yeah.
Pause.
Me: So, do you think I can keep being obsessed with him?
Ann Whatsherface: Well I mean obviously you can't just turn it off, that's ridiculous...
Me: I mean, you have to understand, when I say "obsessed," that's not any kind of exageration.
Ann Whatsherface: Oh, no, I understand. I... Think we may have to devote another session to this. We're running out of time.
Huh. So, on second thought, maybe she doesn't completely approve of the situation. I think the answer to that was, "you're a creepy stalker chick." Which, of course, I am.
But... I dunno... As long as I actually don't break into his house and rape him or watch him when he's sleeping or anything like that, it's okay, right? I'm not a scary creepy stalker chick, am I?
Oh well. Despite the weirdness of this whole thing, I'm still in a good mood.
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