Wednesday November 30th,
It makes me sick, the way sadness is addicting. The way I can’t stop. Sadness is familiar. It’s comfortable and it’s easy in a sense that it comes naturally to me. But everything else about it is hard. The way my body aches with self-hatred, the way my mind spins and spins with hopeless thoughts. The way it poisons everything I do, every relationship I have. Yet it’s addicting, because I know sadness, and I know it very well. And there’s a sort of comfort in that, like being home after a trip or sleeping in your own bed after being away. There’s just a sense that this is where I belong. This is how it’s supposed to be. - Marianna Paige
When I said before that I was in a way comfortable with the sadness because it feels like it’s where I belong I was saying the truth. I know it’s weird to think about but I have been going through this for so long now that I forgot what I was like before. If you knew me in real life you would see me on my computer or watching something, or even when I am talking with you on over Xbox and playing games but I’m not really there. In my head, this massive dark place I am sitting by a lake in the middle of a dark forest. Content with my solitude in a safe zone from my demons yet my sadness creeps up and I let it take control without a fight. And there I am, watching the still lake listening to the sounds of little creatures and birds in the surrounding forest, but I can also hear my demons looking for me, challenging me to come out and play. I know sometimes I have to leave the safety of the lake safe zone and look for food or try to find my way out of this forest, I made a map of sorts so that way I know how to get back to the lake because in the end, it’s where I belong. When I am out of the safe zone my demons like to team up on me, one holds me from behind while the others beat the snot out of me and then they kick me when I am down several times and leave me there content in their handiwork.
In the end, that’s my life and that’s what I go through. Sometimes my demons like to take control because I am in too sorry a state to even fight back. When sadness comes knocking I let him in without a moment thought because I know that while it hurts so bad, there is a level of comfort there and it’s a weird feeling and it’s something people who don’t have this illness never understand. I let my sadness take control and I put little effort into maintaining my mental state or anything at all I just keep the effort at the bare minimum. I don’t want this responsibility I just want to sit by this lake, content in my solitude and just watch the water of the lake, hear the frogs and birds and smell the fresh forest air. Reality is too hard to deal with, I want to be in my safe zone.
I have to go now, meeting with my mental doctor or whatever, I hope I can get an increase on the vyvanse as I believe it will work better for me at a higher dose.
Lamitical (from 100mg to 200mg) and Vyvanse (from 30mg to 50mg) got an increase
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