nervous vs caffeine in Random Thoughts

“All that is gold does not glitter; not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither; deep roots are not reached by the frost.” JRR Tolkien

I took a version of the Meyers-Briggs personality test. I’ve done it in the past, there have been some slight changes over time, but consistently i get INFP. The Mediator.

https://www.16personalities.com/infp-personality

So. Yesterday was date day. Its hard to put this in words, but even if i sound wackadoodle, i am going to say it.

I knew it. Its not dangerous (like i said) in a crazy, drunken love affair, fire up and burn out kind of way. This is a

“In another life, 20 years ago when you moved to Portland. Ian. We were lovers. It was deep. Long. Sometimes tough. I was a youngster, misguided, deeply deeply in love and flawed (as i was in real life). We kept coming back to one another. We loved, hurt, forgave, and haunted one another as we tried to make it out there apart from one another.”

Dangerous. So, i don’t know what to say. I want to see him again. But it feels dangerous. I made it clear i had a boyfriend and was poly. We didn’t have that “relationship status/agreements conversation”

I was over-caffeinated. I was overstimulated (from all the lights and noise of the pinball video game place). I was nervous and talky. I was uber-quirky. I stared in his eyes and pulled away. I asked too many questions. I dipped my pastry into his hot chocolate and picked pastry crumbs off of his sweater.

I wanted to admit something to him, but i wasn’t sure what. I wanted to tell him how we’ve known one another.

And i knew this is what it was going to be like. I knew i wanted to shake his hand in the middle of our coffee and…

head tilted. eyes narrowed. questioning. hand offered “Hi, my name is Carmen. Have we met before?”

I am so glad i didn’t meet him when i was young and more flawed. that. would. have.

I am so fucking in a tumble inside. This is weird. Yesterday i was offput because i was not sure if i was just super caffeinated (which really messes with me, especially the come-down) or if i was nervous.

But. i may also be making this all up.

What’s going on????