From the Back to the Middle in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Aye. I haven’t been here for the Thanksgiving Weekend. I was considering it, but then thought a complete separation may be in order. Truth be told, I had planned on not writing today (or at least not writing until much later) but… some things can’t change. At least not for now.

I’ll start with my This Morning and then discuss what has happened since Wednesday’s entry; wrapping up with some of the NoJoMo Prompts that I didn’t get to over the long weekend.

This Morning
This morning I woke up at 5:30 am with stabbing pains in my stomach. Sat on the toilet for about thirty minutes hoping somehow that I could resolve the pain by sheer force of will. That didn’t work out. I ate a big bowl of cereal and two glasses of ice water and… hoping that takes care of whatever that pain was. Took a long shower, got dressed, and headed to the court room. On the drive to the Court, my stomach turned sour. Simply this deep pit in my stomach like my very soul rebelling against the requirement to remain here. The Court had a few things I could do, but nothing urgent or even all that important. But there were a large stack of new cases. Because over the holidays is the perfect time for Domestic Violence and Alcohol/Drug Related crime. So I grabbed all those papers (knowing that, in this county, those folks wouldn’t even have their first appearance for several more days) and drove back to the office. On the way to the office, a ray of sunshine actually appeared (what?!) but hit me dead in the eyes. I didn’t see that I cut the turn too sharply and hopped the curb… a very long, very worrisome sound of metal on concrete screeching from my car. I don’t know if there is any damage. Would not be surprised. Walked into the office and my Office is messier than I remember. Stacks of nothing piled on top of fake wood and misery. How I would love to announce an “Infinite Apathy Sale” on these cases. Many of these cases have been open since May. Plea to something and we can get rid of them. I care nothing for this county or the people who reside within; as I feel no need to bust my ass for people who obsessively select self-destruction over problem solving. But there is my own deep spiritual sense of conflict. I like busting my ass. I enjoy working hard and doing things well. But since Law School ended… my job in the Douglas County Jail? Yeah, I busted my ass… in a way. But the “in a way” was simply taking on loads of hours. Not any actual, rewarding, work related bust my ass. And yeah I bust my ass around here sometimes. But that is often because I’ve slacked off enough to build up work. Honestly… I truly believe… between our officers, our judge/magistrate, and our case load… there only needs to be one or two days of actual hard work. Hell, it is why I told the Board… IF we can get this department functional and technologically up-to-date; the ACA job really only needs to be considered a 25-30 hour Part Time gig. Which would allow the Board’s wet dream to come true. The Board really only wants local people to be in any form of Government Job because “outsiders” don’t understand… “outsiders” always want to change things because “outsiders” don’t appreciate the county’s long heritage of poverty and rapid population decline. If the CA was full time; you would have a Political Figure that was required to do their job. If the ACA was part time; the ACA could get their job done and then help the Community via Estates, Taxes, etc. In short… the very few private attorneys that still exist within 500 square miles could take on the ACA job. Oh well. As I’ve said before… this county is desperate to keep Status Quo even though (or perhaps especially because) the Status Quo is poverty, drugs, massive population decline, and steadily increasing suicide rates. THUS I have decided that, if I can muster enough fucks to give, I shall spend today thoroughly attempting to determine how I can whittle my cases down. Admittedly, many of these cases remain in a state of limbo because the inefficiency of this county is well known and some folks would rather keep their cases open instead of pleading early and being required to take a punishment sooner than later… but as I seem to be no closer to extricating myself from this position; I suppose removing this position from me is an option?

Thursday: Thanksgiving
I used to make it a habit that if my wife had an early work day (anything before 10 a.m. for her) and I was not required to be anywhere early myself… I would grab her a Fast Food Breakfast… as she loves those. Thanksgiving Day this year… she has to work early, I don’t have to work… but no fast food places (except Subway) for over 35 miles. SO, I woke up early and made her scrambled eggs (her favorite kind of eggs). After she left for work, I spent most of the day playing video games. Don’t get me wrong… I would have loved to spend my Thanksgiving with family or friends or other people… but not an option. After wife got off of work; we drove to Des Moines to stay with my parents. It never ceases to amaze me the ineffable, almost magical moment where we leave the region. It is as though as soon as we leave NW Iowa and begin to see Cities and Real Roads again, my soul returns to me. And I am given a moment’s pause to realize… I am NOT the man I am in Tiny Town. That isn’t who I am. I’m a person with passions, skills, interests… just because Tiny Town devalues everything that isn’t “native” to them doesn’t mean I am any worse. It just means that I need to find where I can be me. And it is a realization that happens whenever I leave the area; but every time it is a realization I needed to have. Because this place has beaten so many people. People who once had dreams, plans, and a zest for life… that now trudge through their day with a scowl on their face and death behind their eyes. So leaving the area to remember that… to remember that it took me 30 years to figure out who I was and to love being that guy… and to remember that THAT guy still exists. The guy who loves reading, debating, board games, hosting parties… the guy who is equal parts Pop Culture Referencing Social Butterfly and Kant Reading Introverted Intellectual… that is still ME. And I love being that guy. And this place robs me of myself. I was talking to some people in my Office Building on Wednesday… trying to figure out if there WERE any ways of being ME in this place… all of them said no. The only thing they could think to get me connected to people my age that (might) be in the area? If Wife and I started having kids. The only two demographics that matter in this county: The old and dying; the young and school aged. ANYTHING in between? Why the hell are you even here?

Friday
I woke up on Friday and I was honestly a little mad. Not angry about anything in particular except for realizing what Up North County does to me. Even after a few hours being away from it… I was already back to my energetic, engaged, conversational self. And my mind compared the two. ME: Dejected, lonely, working in an office with little to no human contact every day just to go home and have little to no human contact until wife comes home from work and i go to sleep. Other ME: Energetic, social, talking with friends and family, come home to play with the dog and help my parents do chores and errands. I was just… angry about how much of ME I lose in Tiny Town. Wife and I went to the Jewelry Store on Friday because my wedding ring is broken. It has cabling inside of it and the cabling has been coming loose. Like, dangerously loose. Like… it becomes a weapon that cuts me. So we had to replace the ring. I have a new wedding ring and I love it. Though I do feel terribly that the ring used at the ceremony had such issues.
Then we came back to the parents to hang with the family. It was mostly awesome. But I was getting annoyed by how different life is. Visiting friends in Omaha, visiting friends in Independence, visiting friends in Des Moines… I am… ME. As soon as we hit Tiny Town again… just… like a miasma of depression, isolation, and loneliness. But of course… loathe if I say anything about it while Brother is around. He instantly pipes up with “You’re doing something wrong.” I parry, of course, by saying it is obvious that I’m not in a place where I can grow. Hell, every attorney I’ve talked to knows how bad this place is and agrees with my assessment… UpNorthCounty is a place that is dying and wants to die. My brother retorts that what I’m doing wrong is I’m not selling myself well in my resume. Which he has never seen. But which I have asked attorneys to look over. Deciding to humor him, I ask what he thinks I should do differently. He starts giving “Bro-Style Dating Advice.” The whole bullshit of “You’ve got to look like you don’t want the job. Make them think that applying for the position was a favor you were doing for them.” Head:Desk. Whatever. I was content to ignore him about work stuff after that. But he pressed about a Council he had heard about that I should join. The Rural Midwest Bar Association. I informed him that I had spoken with members often during law school; even met a few Nebraska District Judges through it. And that, no… after the lessons of Tiny Town, I was not interested in working Rural for my next job. Brother rolls his eyes and says something that PROVES he has no concept of what “rural” is by suggesting “Rural Practice” just means what you specialize in… “like farming and shit.” No. It isn’t. And as I had already explained, I had talked with that Council before. The Rural Council exists to pair attorneys with communities that are dying. Rural, by its legal and US Land Use definition, requires a population of less than 2,500 people. But… of course… my brother can never be wrong. Clearly, I don’t know what I’m talking about and should “really look into it more.” I love him dearly and in many ways he and I are friends. If I were to move back to Central Iowa (as I dearly hope to do), I think he and I could have a great relationship. But whenever it comes to “I have a problem, he has a solution”… the facts don’t interest him. He has already concocted a solution and if I don’t do exactly as he suggested, then it is because I’m choosing to continue to have a problem. A very frustrating relationship to have. Wife and I had to drive back to Up North County on Friday evening as she worked Saturday. So… a very quick less than 24 hours in Central Iowa.

Saturday
Saturday was a NOTHING day! Like… nothing. I haven’t slept well in weeks. Between desperately looking for work, worrying about the fact that we STILL haven’t hired a County Attorney, and all the other emotional bullshit of this (possibly literally) God forsaken place… I’ve been averaging 3 to 4 hours tops. Saturday was no different. I woke up, Wife left for Work, I started playing video games and eating lunch, grabbed a Sprite and Whiskey with lunch and then fell asleep at about 6. Wife got home and saw me asleep on the couch with an empty glass of Cocktail and assumed I had drunk myself into oblivion all day. Woke me up to remind me that she was very disappointed in me, that we couldn’t let This Place win, and then I went to bed in the bedroom.

Sunday
Seriously… after I got to sleep in the bedroom, I was out until about 5 am. Then I was wide awake! Watched some TV, ran the dishwasher, played some video games… Wife was still asleep at 9 a.m. and I figured that I was maybe sleepy enough to grab a nap. Got back in bed. Woke up at 12:30 in the afternoon. Wife had woken up shortly after 9 and had set up the miniature plastic Christmas tree and had started watching NCIS. And that was the day! She watched NCIS from about 1 p.m. until about midnight. I made us a pizza for dinner, emptied the dishwasher and refilled it; but I didn’t do much either.

REAL ENTRY TL;DR

Thursday: Video Games and Driving
Friday: Thanksgiving w/family; new wedding ring; Hate Advice from Brother
Saturday: Sleep deprivation and Disappointment
Sunday: NCIS and Domestics
Monday: Back to the evil world of misery

NOJOMO

24: How is the world different today from the expectations you had as a child?
When I was a child, I believed that the world would be infinitely closer to solving its petty and surface issues. I figured that the world had been going through the same bullshit for centuries… the new millennium would bring with it a renewed passion to create a globe that was more willing to cooperate for scientific advancement. I assumed that as people began to understand that we are all ridiculously similar in important ways; we wouldn’t have Country vs Country on things like healthcare. The same viruses attack us all, why segment our approach to them? I figured that famine and ecological catastrophe would be seen as a threat to the planet itself, and that Governments would put away their petty bickering in an effort to keep the planet healthy.
I was wrong. We didn’t become more… we became less. And nowhere is that more true than in looking at President-Elect Donald Trump’s Cabinet Choices.

25: Who is your favorite couple (literary, cinematic, or otherwise) and why?
Jonathon and Martha Kent. Seriously. Look at any iteration of them in decent media (meaning NOT Snyder’s Jon Kent Condones Child Murder universe) and you see an amazing couple that also has very real moments.

26: “Sometimes doing the right thing isn’t doing the right thing”. Do you agree with this statement? Why?
I’ve certainly learned to see some truth in this. If doing the right thing was always doing the right thing; we wouldn’t have so many worthy literary figures who did NOT do the right thing. Sherlock Holmes, for one. There are a few cases where he solved the case but respected a client’s wish for protection so that, by his actions, some injustice or other could remain hidden. In the real world… it would depend. Of course, one great example is in regards to infants with severe mental and physical disabilities. In other words, when The Right Thing is debated. Is the Right Thing what is defined by the Catholic Church? Is the Right Thing that which is dictated by a medical ethics board? That is a question that should be answered.

27: Create a Hallmark card.
No.

28: If you could come back, not as a human, what would you come back as?
I’ve thought about this a lot and I would say I would definitely come back as an Animal. But which one? It is very difficult to decide. River Otter, Dolphin, Dog, Wolf, Fox, Horse, Falcon. Any of those would certainly interest me.

(PS: With my absence, I also haven’t been reading. Thus, I plan to read a little bit every night after work until I am caught up.)