Wednesday at the end of Odyssey, Adam said to me, "So, how'd you do on that physics test?"
"I failed," I said.
"Me too!" he said, and held up his hand. After I decided that it was really my only option, I gave him a high five.
"He definatley told us some stuff in class that was just blatently wrong," I said.
"I know!" he said. Then we had this whole conversation during which we complained about Rogers (who seems considerably less brilliant than he did freshman year). We laughed, and almost everything we said was said emphatically. We lingered in the classroom a little bit after the bell rang, vehemently agreeing with each other. The two of us and Bonnie were the last three out of the classroom.
"Did you have fun with Adam today?" she said to me in an accusatory (but quiet) tone at lunch.
There was a pause.
"He's really getting less annoying," I said.
She raised an eyebrow.
"We were commiserating about physics. He was right."
She kept it raised. I tried to think of something else to say but couldn't.
Wednesday night I had to go to his house to work on our Odyssey project. It was oh-so-very-weird being in his house. Especially since the band parents, including my mother, were having a meeting in the next room. But our meeting was very productive, and we actually had a lot of fun, and furthermore, I realized...
I don't hate him.
This is kind of confusing. Part of me feels like I am obligated to hate him. Another part of me is afraid that if I don't hate him, I could relapse and go back to loving him. But a third part of me, after actually talking to him tonight, thinks, "...But it's stupid to hate him. There's no good reason to. Why can't you just let it go, after a year?"
Of course, not that it's been a year since he's done something that justifies me being angry at him. (Nora, Franchesca, the apology email, spreading that rumor about me and Dave...)
I left the house feeling good intellectually and kind of unsettled socially.
My mother, of course, came out of her meeting with plenty of band gossip, including an update on the constant passive-agressive conflict between the band parents about which of their children will be drum major. (The hard core band parents are, in order from most hard core to least hard core: Eric's mother, Mrs. Taylor, my mother, Adam's mother, Mrs. Schultz, and Dave's mother. Coincindence? I think not.)
"Of course, Eric's mother came right out and told Mrs. Taylor that she was sure that Mr. Thomas would never pick Sarah. I can't believe she says things like that, but frankly, I think Mrs. Taylor agreed. Eric's mother does think, though, that Mr. Thomas won't pick Eric because he can't read music."
Oh yeah, I thought.
"Adam's mother just kept quiet. And I tried to too," she added quickly. "Dave's mother voiced her support for you during the meeting, and Mrs. Schultz let me know afterwards that Alex really wants you to get it too."
"Really?" I said.
"He thinks that you'll take it seriously. The way he pictures it is you as drum major and him and Dave as assistants."
"That would be nice..." I said.
Then, "This is so weird. I mean, it doesn't seem like that long ago that I was just a freshman, and Matt and Gordon and Fletcher seemed like they knew everything. They were magic. Now me and my friends have to step up to that, and we're not magic. One way or another, we're still just the same freshmen."
Pause.
"And what about Rob and Jay? They'll be gone next year, and there's no one to replace them."
"Well, Rob and Jay aren't magic either. Who says you can't?"
"They're not magic, but they are musical geniuses. I'm good, but I'm not a musical genius. Even Julian isn't Jay. What are we going to do? I want to be a leader. I really want to. And I feel like I can... But at the same time, I feel like the whole thing's kind of going to be adlibbed. I mean, who do I think I am? I'm not Gordon. I'm not Rob. I'm just... Aidan."
Then I thought, Maybe I don't know who that is yet.
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