Even if I wanted to in 2016

10:37pm

Ok. Time to give some updates. I meant to come in here last night to update after the contact, but I got distracted.

So I sent him the text response after I got off of work last night. All I said was, “hi there” and he asked how I’ve been. I said that I couldn’t complain, work and house projects have been keeping me busy. I asked about him and he just said something about “work and work” and then went on to say that he’d broken his phone again and had a little flip phone for a week.

Hmm…that was kinda suspicious. Weird timing, don’t ya think? We have this semi-serious conversation and then he “breaks” his phone? I don’t know about all that. It sounds a lot like an excuse for why he didn’t respond and then didn’t contact me for over a week. Not that he needs an excuse. We’ve totally gone without talking for longer than that before. And I don’t know what really happened.

I asked how he even survived and suggested he build a steel case around that thing. It’s the 2nd time he’s done it in the last couple of months. He responded that it was tough, he barely lived, and he felt like he was in a third world.

I was busy watching tv, and doing random things, so I procrastinated on the response after that. I didn’t know how I wanted to play it out. Eventually [at around 11pm] I ended up saying that I was glad he survived the torture of limited technology but that he kind of left me hanging there and I asked if we were just going to start fresh.

This isn’t a game to me. This has never been a game to me. I need to know that he’s serious about it and not just going to brush everything under the rug. I don’t really know him that well though. He does seem to shy away from the serious talk. This one was kind of important though and he never contradicted the things I said or reacted in any other way. I can’t just pick up where we left off, which is what he seems to want to do.

The message was sent late so I didn’t expect a response. Then this morning, before 6am!, he sent a text saying good morning. Completely bypassing my text.

As soon as I got up around 8am I went straight to work on Mom’s floor. We’re trying to get enough done to be able to at least put her desk away and close the door to the room. hah. Then I had to rush to eat breakfast and get ready, so I waited to respond until almost noon before I went in to the office. I ended up asking if I should just take that as a yes to my last question.

He said “yes” that we should start fresh and goes, “so do you like to dance?” …
Seriously? We’ve had this conversation like three times now. And I’m sure the next comment was going to be about twerking, which is his not so subtle way of commenting on my ass.

There were so many responses that flashed through my mind. I wanted to keep it serious. I wanted to keep it light. Ugh. I had no idea which way to go with it. I was slightly annoyed and yet not really surprised.

It’s just hard because I want to connect with him. I like him, and I can’t help that. But I know exactly what I want. I am very aware of my actions and reactions to the outside world. It’s not that I have my entire life figured out, but I do know what I want when it comes to this kind of stuff. I’ve never wanted to waste anyone’s time and I haven’t waited this long to connect with someone just because I like being single.

I ended up laughing and saying that I didn’t think that meant we should go over all the questions we’ve already answered. He sent some kind of emoji picture things that my phone refuses to show me and about 10 minutes later asked if I wanted to grab a drink sometime.

My response came a while later because I was at work and left to my own devices. Mom had to go to a doctor’s appointment so left like a half hour after we got there and didn’t get back until like 4pm. I guess I could have been texting that whole time but I didn’t want to. I had actual work to do anyway. So a few hours later I sent a text saying that that was a question I could actually answer and that he knew I couldn’t turn down a drink.

I have yet to hear anything back.
I know he saw it. That guy is practically glued to his cell phone. He just didn’t know how to respond I guess.

Of course my brain starts running through all these scenarios. Like maybe he’s just messing with me. Maybe he was just trying to see how I’d react to that question. Maybe he’s serious but didn’t know how to respond. Maybe he wants to call and talk in person.

Who knows. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see until tomorrow.

I hope he’s not messing with me. There was this one moment after we left the office, I was riding in the car and it was dark out already, and it was quiet, and I hadn’t heard back from him, and it was kinda crushing me again. Like I keep trying to protect myself and yet I end up being the one that gets hurt. Because everything’s just on a different level for me. I’m so sure of things that I just go for it, even if it doesn’t seem that way on the outside. I just want this to work out in a certain way and I’m not so sure that it’s going to.

My guard’s definitely back up with him though. That’s all I can do to keep myself from falling all over something that might not exist again.

rose.
11:45pm