Internet, I am ready to leave.
Right now, I am ready to just fucking pack up and leave and never come back. I am sick and tired of this pointless existence of lying around and eating and sleeping and avoiding doing homework that I don't want to do for classes that I don't like to please my parents, who only make me feel guilty, and get into a good college, which I don't care about. I am sick of being behind and not being good enough. I am sick of living in this tiny space and hearing my parents every time they cough and sneeze and fart and watch family feud. But what I am really sick of is being lonely. I am so fucking terribly lonely, but every time I try to talk to one of my friends, it's awkward and it fails because I'm in a terrible mood and I have no energy and I can't go anywhere. I haven't seen any of them for real in two weeks, and I can't do anything about it, because I can't do anything for more than five minutes without having to lie down, and also, I don't even have that many goddamn friends. And while we're at it, I am especially sick of this deep terrible festering compounded sexual frustration. I need more than anything to feel loved, physically, even just a little, and now because of the mono I can't even hope for that.
But I'm not even complaining about the mono. The mono just takes my normal existance and exagerates it. I have always led a pointless existence of lying around and eating and sleeping and avoiding doing work. I have always hated all the pressure that goes along with the work. I have always hated where I live with a bloody passion. And I have never been able to connect with people properly. Even though I need them desperately, I also desperately want to push everyone away. All I want to do is be alone, even though being alone makes me miserable.
And I am perfectly aware that there is nowhere to escape to. These are not things you can escape from. These are things that you have to live with, or dig yourself out of. And at this point I think I have fallen in too far. It's just that every time I feel like this I get the overwhelming urge to physically get up and physically run away.
If it weren't for the mono I might this time.
But as it is I'll just have to wait it out like I always do and hope I feel better in the morning. And maybe tell Anne Whatsherface so that she can give me some goddamn pills.
Edit: You know what this is about? I haven't touched a musical instrument in two weeks. I just realized that. And I can't cope without music. First thing tomorrow morning, I am practicing whatever I can for as long as I can without passing out. Which probably will not be that long.
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