if it takes all night in 2016

9:36pm

I’m better today.

Not that I don’t still have moments where I’m totally missing our conversations. There were plenty of times throughout the day where I wanted to shoot him a message to say hi, or that this is stupid, or that I dislike not talking to him.

But I am better. :-)

The more I think about it, and run it over in my head, the more I realize that I don’t want a guy like that. Remembering the moment he said those things over the phone. The fact that he was always talking about how he wanted to kiss me. That he made those comments about my as* in a not so subtle way. What kind of guy does that? Certainly not a gentleman. And I need a nice, kind, respectful gentleman in my life. I know I didn’t wait this long to get stuck with someone who just wants me for my body.

Not that I am saying that this is all he’s about, but that’s certainly the impression he’s been giving off. Like he only wants to get into my pants.

If there’s more to this, he needs to tell me. He needs to prove it. He needs to make me feel like I’m more to him than just that.

I’ve been saying forever that I won’t change for anyone. That includes not lowering my standards. I mean, they aren’t that high. Make me laugh, respect me, be honest. It’s not that hard.

I think Mom knows something’s changed. Probably from my lack of staring at my phone every day. She doesn’t usually bring him up, but already on Saturday she’d asked me about him on the way to our friends for dinner. Some thing about whether they’d gone hunting that day. I said I didn’t know. That I knew they’d gone on Thursday. She asked something about him working, and I said that he just leaves whenever he wants and that I knew they’d gone that afternoon, but didn’t know much else.

She also mentioned him on Sunday. I don’t remember what it was exactly. Then on Tuesday we’d gone to get more supplies at the store and stopped for happy hour dinner. While we were sitting there I’d looked at my phone and she asked if I’d gotten a call. When I said no she asked if I’d heard from TF. I said we hadn’t spoken. She acted shocked and at some point asked if he was mad. I said no and that it wasn’t like we talk every day. She said that we were in fact talking every day and I reminded her that it wasn’t all the time. That when I was out of town we’d gone a week [or apparently two] without exchanging texts. The “out of town” part wasn’t picked up on her end. We basically let it go after that.

The details don’t really need to be shared yet. If it turns out that this is dead in the water, maybe then I’ll let her know that we were just too different to work anything out. I won’t ever throw him under the bus. And I definitely won’t give her, or probably anyone, details on what was actually said between us. I don’t need to put him in a bad light. He didn’t do anything wrong; it just maybe wasn’t right for me.

I just put this down to go pour myself a shot of whiskey [it’s cold ok! Like low 40s haha] and Mom asked if I’d talked to TF today. She must be reading this. hah. I said, “Nooo, not today.” “No??” “Nope, not today.” That was all to that.

We’ll see what happens, right?

At least I’m getting better… I didn’t get to sleep in the way that I wanted, but that didn’t stop me from lying in bed until 11am. Then I made an excellent cup of coffee and worked on catching up on the last remaining Gilmore Girls episodes before the new stuff next week [I’m meeting up with Y for a marathon session :) ]. Eventually I made up some breakfast, or lunch I guess.

I ended up spending about an hour this afternoon painting the door frame in Mom’s room [She was gone all day hence my lazy schedule]. That was quite relaxing. I listened to pretty much the entire Randy Houser cd while I worked and it was just what I needed.

I just need to pull myself out of this headspace and figure out what it is that I really want. I mean, I know what I want. I need to remind myself of that though.

rose.
10:58pm