holding back hope in 2016

9:44pm

This is going to be kept short. Or, at least, I plan to keep this short. :)

I am currently sitting in a hotel room in the middle of Oregon. We are on our way home. I am watching trashy television and drinking an Irish Death I brought in from the car. I’ve already written up a text to CK, which I’ve saved to the drafts because I’m not crazy enough to actually send it.

In fact, I was thinking about it and I realized that I can’t send it. I don’t want to send it right now. Mostly because I’m sitting here over-analyzing the situation [as per usual] and I was thinking that if I sent it then maybe he’d reply. I’d hope that he would reply. Then we’d get back in touch and I would fall all over that again. And that wouldn’t be giving TF a chance.

I feel like it’s crazy to think that, but maybe that means something? That despite all the flip-flopping I do on the subject I do still at least want to give him a chance. And I know that if I get back in touch with Ck, I would not be giving him a chance at all.

Just reading back on some of the texts I have left in my phone makes me miss that weird psuedo friendship we had. I miss sitting out on his porch. I miss making jokes via text. I miss that we both had this dry sarcastic sense of humor. I miss his stupid red hair and that cowboy hat. Everything out here is reminding me of him. It doesn’t help that he was already on my mind. It’s just worse now. All the reminders of the locations, and the beer, and all the moments.

But it has to mean something that I’m holding back. It has to mean something that I want to give TF some kind of hope in this.

I just don’t know how long I’m willing to wait. And I want to let “Jesus take the wheel” but it’s hard to give control up to the world like that. I mean my prospects are pretty sparse right now so I don’t really have other options, but I am terribly impatient.

This could be one of those life lessons, right? Patience and understanding? Sorting my life out. Deciding what I really want. All that good stuff.
And I just wanted to jot this down to get it out of my head. I should be back home soon and I’ll finally be able to get back into my normal routine. I need new things to focus on. This is too much for my brain. It’s already filled with so many other things. I need to focus on my own life for a while.

rose.
9:58pm

Last updated November 18, 2016