But the feelings for him are on the surface. Deeper down - so deep down that even I didn't know he was there until recently - there is still someone else. Julian (I wish I could use his real name. It's such a nice name) is a nice pair of eyes and a cute little shy smile and a fluttery feeling in my stomach and someone to talk to and and admire for his cute, quiet, observant brand of brilliance. Dave is, and has always been, a significant part of my soul.
I have this person who I like to imagine I will meet and get together with in college. He is intelligent, but not uptight, slightly wacky, but at the same time emotionally reserved, cynical, but secretly extremely bighearted. He understands me and knows who I am. We can talk about random things, or nothing at all, or politics, or our feelings, and I never feel embarrassed in front of him. In my imagination, he always wears square glasses, and he always has a square jaw and a wide, slightly crazy smile.
I can't believe it took me until last week to recognize college guy for who he is.
But every time I think about how happy I could be if I'd just reach out and take what is already at my fingertips, I feel like I am betraying my best friend. She loves him. I saw it in her eyes when we talked about it. But I think he loves me. And I think that if I tried, I could love him, and I could be happy... But I made my decision. I made a promise. And part of me doesn't even want to anyway. And part of me thinks it's too late.
And there's Julian.
Ah, there's no use in that anyway. I bet I will never get him to come out of his clean, logical little shell.
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