forever wonder in 2016

5:02pm

Work is starting up again. Like we aren’t at the constant phone call kinda work yet but I am definitely dreading its arrival. Even just the few calls we got today were enough to remind me what I enjoy least about my work. If I just had to deal with the people coming in and out of the office all day it wouldn’t be so bad. Those phone calls though, they’re killer for an introvert such as myself!

No point in worrying about it now, or at all. It’s not like there’s anything I can do about it.

There’s the most beautiful sunset going on outside right now. That’s one of the good things about closing at 6pm and it getting dark so early - I get to watch the sunset every day. When the clouds are out, and the colors turn just the right shades of red/pink/purple, it can make any day better. =)

I’m still dealing with some lingering depression… It fluctuates though. Like I go from being sad/depressed about the whole thing, to desperately wanting to text him, to just giving it up to God, to remembering all the good moments and being ok with where it’s at.

Darn mind of mine! It just can’t commit to a level path.

I think one of the main things that keeps me from reaching out to him is that if I do that I know that I am going to forever wonder if he thinks I’m worth it. I mean, if he really likes me the way he says he does, don’t you think that he’d try to work this out? Or at least reach out to me again to talk. I know that if I make this next move I am going to continually question whether he wants me in the same way that I could want him. I’ll wonder if he just continued to talk to me because I made the move, or because he really wanted to.

It’s like with the phone number thing. How long was he going to let that sit? How long was he going to drag it out before he actually asked me for my number? I’ll never really know. The only reason I made that move to give it to him was because he genuinely seemed interested and because I’m terribly impatient. I didn’t want to wait another month, or three, before it got started.

I wanted to know him outside of the office. I wanted to know if it was actually something worth pursuing. Now that I have those answers, I’m stuck again. I know that he can drag this out forever if he wants to. I mean, I know the “shy” thing is bs now. But we’ve always said that he’s a lot of talk with very little action. This could definitely turn into that kind of situation. I’m the one that gets to sit around and wonder [and over-think/over-analyze/write countless entries about it…].

It’s hard because I have never met anyone I have ever had such amazing chemistry with. I’ve waited almost 30 years to connect with someone who likes me, who I like in return. [Ok more like 15 yrs if you don’t count the early stuff, but still..]

All signs seem to be pointing to this being the right thing, but I know in my heart of hearts that if I make the next move I am forever going to question whether he really wants me for the person that I am, or just for another warm body to lie next to.

[which makes me think about how warm his hands were, and how I could use that this winter, and how I should just text him to talk, and the cycle starts all over again…]

rose.
11:08pm