"I have an idea!
Let's play the internet awkward game!
How uncomfortable would you feel if I said that I noticed how much Dave plays the awkward game with you and that I feel jealous of you every time he does?
Ummmmm, yeah.
Apparently it is not hard to switch from a crush on someone unattainable to a good friend.
Perhaps we should talk about this...
And not just by noting each other. In person." [Molly C.]
Here was my reaction: First I got a kind of tight, nervous feeling in my stomach. Then I laughed. Then I thought, This is the most awkward situation I can think of. Then I thought, This is probably the best problem Dave has ever had.
Then I thought, Ah, fuck it, she can have him. I don't like him. I don't like Julian either. Or... I like them - at least one of them - but I don't know who I'm trying to kid when I even entertain the thought of a relationship. I don't want a relationship. I know that.
You don't want a relationship?
No.
Even though you lie awake at night wishing you had someone to hold you?
Yes.
Even though you wish you had a social life and someone to understand you?
Yes.
Even though you think about sex like, all the freaking time?
Yes.
Well what the hell do you want?
I don't know. Not pain. Not responsibility. Not cluelessness and anxiety and pressure and attatchment and complexity and FAILURE. I know that's all it will end up as, and I don't want that. Not now.
Or maybe I do. I don't know. I'm just... sick of it right now. I'm sick of all the bizarre pomp and circumstance that surrounds emotions. I wish we lived in a world where people could cut the crap and say, "Look, this is how I feel about you. Are you in on this or not?"
Or maybe I just wish I could cut the crap.
Or maybe I am just depressed.
...
Or maybe I wish I were not absolutely petrified of getting close to people.
Yeah, I think it's that one.
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