There are three things right now that are giving me kind of an unsettled sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I don't like my parents. I never have liked them, actually, and that sucks. I like them once in a while, when I'm just talking to them, because they really are okay people. But whenever we interact in a parent/child way, they make me hate them. I feel like I have to lie to them if I want to be at all happy, because they are controlling for the sake of it and rarely let me do things that I want to do. They're too uptight, and I don't think they understand that at this point, my life and their lives have become seperate entities. This is why I hate the fact that my mother is a band parent. Band is my life, and she tries to make it her life too. At band related things, she is omnipresent. She knows everything that goes on in the band whether or not I tell her, and I'm pretty sure people know her better than they know me. It sucks. I don't know how she sees it, but I see it as just another way for her to control me and take away my individual identity. Once I move out, I am going to be one of those adults who avoids their parents at all costs and then throws them in a nursing home and never visits. And I don't like those adults.
Last night we had a football game. It was senior night, so as we were getting ready to troop from the band room to the football field, all of the seniors were somewhere else having their pictures taken. Mr. Thomas looked up and down the lines and said, "So, no Alice, no Smith, no RJ, no Jason... Who's going to take us down?"
Several hands shot up, quickly, while I was still saying to myself, "Wait, what's going on?" One of them was Eric's. "Alright Eric," said Mr. Thomas. Eric beamed as he walked to the head of the troop, in front of the colorguard. He called us to attention. He counted us off, and marched perfectly down to the field with the entire band behind him.
I was cursing to myself the whole time. Why didn't I volunteer? How could I have been so stupid? But I didn't know what was going on! When I got the chance to, I said to Dave, "I think I just lost some serious drum major ground."
"Yup. I think Eric's in line now."
"You're supposed to tell me it's not a big deal."
"Okay. It's not that much of a big deal."
God damnit. God damnit. I want drum major so badly. And I have the feeling that Mr. Thomas hasn't been too happy with me lately pit-wise. And I didn't even volunteer. When I try out in May, he'll think I don't want it as badly as I do. But I'm really serious about this. And now Eric's in line.
I'll bet it doesn't hurt that he's going out with Alice.
I know it shouldn't be a big deal. It doesn't sound like a big deal. But when it comes to something as subjective as this, it's the little stuff that matters. I'm starting to think that the only thing I have over Eric is my instrument.
- Today (after I lied to my parents and said that we were going downtown) I went to the mall with Molly and Valerie. (I have no idea why my parents didn't approve of the mall. I think it had something to do with traffic.) Before we left, Molly told me that she had something to tell me. She did it in front of Dave.
"What?" I said.
"I'll tell you later. Um... It would be awkward if I said it right now."
"Why, is it wicked suggestive?"
"No."
"Does it have something to do with Dave?"
"Uh... Yes."
"Oh man, now I have to know," said Dave.
"No no no," said Molly. "Never mind. I shouldn't have brought it up." She walked away.
"Whatever it is, you'll tell me, right?" said Dave.
I made an 'of course' kind of expression and said, "Yeah. I mean, how awkward can it be?"
Once we were in the car with Valerie, she told me. She said she was talking to Ivy the other day, and Ivy mentioned that Adam had told her that I was hopelessly in love with Dave, and sad because he wasn't paying me any attention.
"What?!"
"I know! I told her it wasn't true, of course..."
There was a pause while I kind of let it sink in.
"Where the hell is he getting that impression? How the hell would Adam even know? I don't even hang out with him! Ugh, this is so typical of both of their mindsets."
"Who?"
"Adam and Ivy."
"Why Ivy?" said Valerie. I was about to insult her when I remembered that Valerie likes Ivy.
"Well, the way she told me what Adam said, she was obviously curious and was trying to make it look like she wasn't," said Molly.
"And Adam - I can just see Adam really truly believing it," I said, "And pitying me, and feeling good about himself because he's so thoughtful and perceptive... Damnit!"
"What?"
"I have to tell Dave now. And I'll have to tell him it's not true, and hope he's not disappointed."
"I told you it was awkward!"
"Maybe he'll just forget about it."
He didn't forget about it. As soon as I walked into the band room, he started asking me.
"So... What did Molly tell you?"
"Nothing."
"Tell me."
"No."
"Come on."
"No."
"Hey, guess what time it is?"
"What time?"
"Story time."
"No."
"Come on."
"Ugh. It's not even a story. It's just... an awkward comment someone made."
"Did it have something to do with Ivy? I heard Molly mention Ivy."
"No, not her, Adam."
"An awkward comment Adam made? This I have to hear."
"It's not even a big deal, it's just an awkward misunderstanding on his part. About you. And... Me."
He laughed a lot. Later, he got Molly to tell him the rest of the story. After she said it, I said, "Where would he get that impression?"
"Yeah, where would he get that impression?" said Dave.
Here's the thing though. It is definately not my imagination. Lately, Dave has definately been hitting on me, CONSTANTLY. I swear this started right after he found out about the crush on Julian. It has mostly been in the form of the awkward game. (remember the awkward game?) He plays the awkward game with me a whole lot. He won't even declare the awkward game. I'll just say something, and he'll say something awkward and put his arm around me in response, and I'll say, "You won," and he'll laugh and take his arm off. It was especially bad at the party we had Thursday at Greg's house to get ready for senior night. Eric was doing it too, actually. The party was a ridiculous amount of fun, but constantly awkward. He tried to give me a friggin' back rub like three times. Every time, I jumped involuntarily.
And here's the confusing part: Yesterday at the football game, I realized... I don't mind the awkward game so much. I don't actually mind it so much when he sits a little too close to me on the bus either. Sometimes, I even want to play the awkward game.
It's possible that this doesn't mean anything. It's possible that I'm just human, and that over the past few weeks, I've just needed a hug in general.
But I have always told myself that my life would be awesome if I could just suck it up and learn to like Dave the way that he has probably wanted to like me for a long time. And If I'm capable of sucking it up - If it would be relatively easy at this point to throw away a crush on someone relatively unattainable and replace it with a crush on one of my best friends...
Should I?
During the third quarter, we were talking about the "ultimate lyrics" to Don't Get Around Much Anymore:
Missed the toilet last night (do do do do) Peed all over the floor (do do do do) Cleaned it up with my toothbrush Don't brush my teeth much anymore.
I then told them about "Don't Get Good Grades Much Anymore," which Julian made up in physics the other day about the notebook I'm supposed to have been keeping for Rogers. (Eric sang the "do do do do"s for me as I went along.)
Missed the chapter outlines (do do do do) Only did about four (do do do do) Now I'm getting a D plus Don't get good grades much anymore.
Everyone laughed. "Who came up with that?" said Alice, laughing her infectious, squeaky laugh.
"Julian, but it's about me."
"Awww," said Dave. "He wrote you a song."
He and Eric said "Awww," and then laughed and gave each other a high five.
"Um, he wrote it in five minutes before physics to the tune of something that's already written, and it's about how badly I'm doing in physics."
"Doesn't matter. He still wrote you a song."
When third quarter ended, we went back to our places. I sat down next to Chris the little trombone. "Awww, he wrote you a song," said Chris, grinning.
"You don't even know who 'he' is!"
"Yeah I know. Dave told me to say it. Who is he?"
"That Julian kid we were talking about before."
"Hey I know him," said Joe the big trombone. "He was in jazz band in middle school. And he said, 'nice fro' to me on Halloween." (Joe was Rob for Halloween.) "The really tall one, right?"
Dave leaned over me. "Yeah, the one she has a crush on!"
"Shut up I hate you," I said.
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