So I lost my keys about a month ago. Then I lost my backup keys today. Then I missed the bus because I was looking for my keys.
Internal Voice: Okay, okay, don't panic. Do you have a cell phone?
Me: No.
Internal Voice: Do you have any money?
Me: ...No.
Internal Voice: Okay, so let's come up with a rational plan here.
Me: Oh man, that is way beyond me right now.
Internal Voice: Okay, irrational plan: Um... You're in a terrible mood right now.
Me: So I am.
Internal Voice: What would make you feel better?
Me: Getting the hell out of here. And maybe talking to Julian.
Internal Voice: Alright. To the library!
(Julian stopped working at Dunkin' Donuts and started working at the library at the beginning of the year. He says he basically puts stuff away, and then wanders around and reads a lot.)
So I walked to the library. I got callouses on my feet and got really tired. I wandered around the library, probably looking a little crazy. (I've noticed that people look at you like you're crazy pretty much whenever you're alone in public. Isn't that wierd?) There was no Julian. There was not even a Schultz. It took me forever to find a phone. I called my mom and asked her to pick me up. She was kind of mad. I still have no keys. And now I have to go to pit. And I'm afraid I will suck again, because I am tired tired tired.
I wish I were more responsible and less of an idiot. No wonder my parents won't give me the car.
He's such a dork. He's just a dorky person. He has a dorky laugh and dorky mannerisms and tells bad jokes and is conversationally awkward. I'm starting to think I don't like him that much. Or at least that I shouldn't like him that much. Maybe I'm just attached to the idea of him. I mean, I like him. But this crush thing is just stupid.
Of course, I've been telling myself that all along.
I guess I just really like hanging out with him. That's what it feels like. There's nothing which at all resembles "love." It's not all consuming or painful, which is - I think - how "love" is defined. And I guess that's good. Maybe it doesn't need to be all consuming or painful. Maybe I can be happier without love. It's just like. Strong, genuine, simple like.
Not that he likes me anyway, of course.
Actually, I can't figure it out. I know I act like a dork around him - I'm louder and wierder than I usually am, and bring up awkward things and stumble over my words, and I think I accidentally spit sometimes, which is just gross. So maybe the very fact that he hangs out with me in spite of this is a sign that he likes me. But at the same time, he constantly gives the impression of not being interested - of being oblivious, actually, and also slightly wierded out. Why would he be interested? He's one of those people - One of those people who's secure enough not to have silly little crushes or endlessly fret over terribly middle-school issues like this one. He's secure enough not to do what I constantly have to do.
You know, sometimes I think that complaining about love - acting like I think it's stupid and painful and that I'm trying to avoid it, I just can't help it - is my way of maintaining my dignity and convincing myself I'm a strong person without actually having to be a strong person. Maybe I'm lying. Maybe I genuinely like middle school drama, and I just say it's stupid because all the cool kids think it's stupid. Maybe I'm just being elitist, and I'm not willing to admit that I'm human and female and like obsessing over people.
I don't know. I'm rambling.
Anyway, jazz band auditions were yesterday. I think I did pretty well, and I think I was being accurately assessed when Mr. Casto nodded appreciatively and called me a decent player. It's pretty clear that I'm going to be in both bands. So are Valerie and Dave. Yay.
Afterwards, while I was hanging around waiting for pit, Julian and I sat in the hallway and talked about Monty Python for a good twenty minutes. The quotes take on a whole new level of funny when he says them. After the conversation died, there was a short pause and I said, "...Wait, why are you still hanging around here?"
"Actually, I was just going to get up. Um... I was actually... waiting... for you to stop talking." He laughed as he said it and looked slightly awkward. Or - slightly more awkward than usual.
Ugh.
I'm behind in... Everything. Life sucks.
Loading comments...