I'm not good enough for my parents. I was responsible for myself for the whole day today and I screwed up a bunch of times. Just stupid mistakes - not calling my mom before I got a ride home from band early. Not packing dinner. Accidentally not charging my cell phone. (The plug wasn't in the wall straight.) I tried to be smart about it, but somehow it just didn't happen. I'm still having a hard time understanding this - people being mad at me even when I'm putting in an honest effort. My parents aren't helping with this whole situation. They aren't being supportive, they're just constantly telling me I'm doing things wrong. In one day, they went straight from "What's wrong with you, you're not working hard enough," to "Oh my God, you're killing yourself, you obviously have to drop a class." There was never a "Be patient, don't panic and do the best you can" phase. They never told me to hang in there, that I am good enough and I just don't see it. They're just upset at my mistakes. They just think I'm not good enough.
I found out today that there's a distinct possibility that I won't get into jazz band. Or at least the good jazz band. There are going to be two jazz bands this year, a good one and an "intermediate" (cough, sucky) one. Dave will be in the good one. Julian will be in the good one. Eric and Alice will be in the good one. But if the only people who try out on trombone are me, Dave, Valerie, and Chris, and he splits us two and two... Well, I know I can beat Chris, but I don't know if I can beat Valerie. I'm pretty sure she can sightread. I can barely read trombone music at all. It's so important to me that I be in the good jazz band. I want to be with my friends, making amazing music and becoming better musicians and sledding down the hill before practice in the winter on the designated jazz band sleds. I want to be respected. I want it so badly it hurts. And last year, I was disappointed. And my trombone is making wierd noises because it has a dent in it...
I'm going to have to do a formal lab tomorrow. One girl in my class wrote 27 pages. I can't do that in a day. I wonder if I can get an extension on my extension.
At least I did well in pit today, because I practiced. Even Eric seemed impressed. Then after pit I hung around with Mr. Thomas for a couple of hours and talked about music and felt cool and talented. Maybe I should do as Zee suggested in the band room today (after I had been there for eight hours) and "fuck school and concentrate on music." I consider this on a daily basis, but I think it's one of those things like planning to run away when I was little. Thinking about it is my way to escape, but actually doing it is not any sort of possibility.
Production week - commonly referred to as Hell week - is in two weeks. Hell week is going to kill me.
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