I am now officially sick. I went to the doctor yesterday. She told me that I do not have anemia, low blood pressure or mono (not that I know how I would've gotten mono anyway) but that I do have "serious anxiety problems." This seemed like a pretty acceptable explanation then, but after band practice last night I started to feel seriously sick. I threw up during the night, and when I woke up this morning, it took me a good two hours to get up the strength to prop myself up on the wall so that I could drink some water. (It was assumed that I was not going to school.) I spent the rest of the day lying around, half-sleeping, watching the Simpsons on DVD and saying "ow," every time I was forced to move. I was exhausted, I was cold, all of my muscles hurt, and all I could get myself to eat was plain toast and ginger ale. That kind of thing does not happen to you just because you are stressed out.
Never the less, my mom wants me to drop AP bio. We went in to see my guidence councelor about it today (once I got up the strength to walk to the car.) He wants me to drop AP bio too. He says that there is more to highschool than academics, and that he would like to see me be able to enjoy independant pursuits. "Maybe," he said at one point, "You could get involved in that music community service organization..."
"Um... I'm the vice president of that music community service organization," I said.
We talked about what my options would be for first block if I did drop AP bio. They don't sound that great. I mean, it wouldn't be terrible - I could TA or something - but... No APs at all? That's a slacker schedual. And as much as I would sometimes like to be a slacker, I shouldn't be. Don't my mother and my guidence councellor care about me living up to my potential? Do they really expect me to give up just because I got sick? Anyone can get sick.
But at the same time... It is kind of scary that I don't know what this is.
I did pretty terribly at pit yesterday. Partially because I felt like shit, partially because I didn't practice, and partially because Rob was sharing a stand with me. God, it's bad enough having him sit near me, but when he's sitting right next to me, looking at my music, writing things on my music, able to see what I am doing differently from the music, able to see the panicked expression on my face when I see standard notation that I haven't gone over. Part of me thinks, "he must know I'm a poser now." But he's still so nice to me. He keeps not pointing it out when I do things wrong, and pointing it out when he himself does things wrong. He strikes up conversations with me about random stuff. He just doesn't act like he's above me. And Rob acts like he's above everyone.
I kind of did terribly at band too. I could drag myself through the show, but I felt like I couldn't really perform it. I kept making mistakes, and Smitty even had to remind me once to roll step. (gasp) In addition to this, Mr. Thomas yelled at me for playing the French national anthem instead of helping to line the field. I hate it when Mr. Thomas yells at me. The thing is though, no one would tell me what to do. I kept asking, and people kept saying that they didn't need help, or that they didn't know. If I want to be a leader though, it seems like I should know what's going on from the beginning instead of having to ask.
After I got yelled at, I walked up to Eric and said, "I have 'all you need is love' stuck in my head. Guess why?"
"Um... Because all you need is love?"
"...No. Because I just played the French national anthem."
"Are you sure? Because... if you want, Adam's right over there." Alice laughed. I dropped my jaw and said "jerk!" and walked away. Seriously. That crossed some kind of line. It was kind of clever, but still. He really is a jerk.
I called Julian today about what happenned when I was out. Here's what I'm pretty sure happenned: I asked him two simple questions, and he found every excuse he could think of to make the conversation last longer. I mean, it could just be my imagination, but if my best estimates are correct, this is a very good sign. It's also a very good sign, I think, that his response to "When is the physics test going to be?" was "Where have you been?"
I muttered something about being sick and stress and just needing to take some time off. I finished with "I don't really know... what it is."
We ended up talking about physics for longer than was necessary, and then about music for a good fifteen minutes. It wasn't untiil after I hung up that I thought, "He really just wanted to talk to me, didn't he?" I realized that it could have been a good conversation, had I not been completely out of it. I smacked myself in the forehead and said "I'm awkward," and fell back asleep.
I have missed him while I've been out. All two days I've been out.
Ugh. I used to think I wasn't capable of love. I've realized that I am very capable of love. More than most people, probably. I am capable of loving so deeply, blindly, stupidly, that I let myself get hurt. It's not a good idea. Why do I still do it?
I've realized that this is how I feel about band. I have such a deep, irrational, complete loyalty to it that I will do all I can to be perfect in practice even if it means collapsing on the floor once I get home. Skipping practice is unthinkable. I have to put all of the effort I possibly can into band because... It's band. How could I not? It's that love thing again. I love it with all my heart.
Ok, enough. I am up too late for how terrible I felt today, and besides that, I'm just getting rambly. I may go to school tomorrow, and I may not. Reasons not to go: I still kind of feel like shit. Reasons to go: Julian. Band.
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