truth and consequence in 2016

10:03pm

I am not doing so well. Emotionally speaking.

I walked into my room about an hour ago and my phone just so happened to buzz as I was looking for my computer charger. You know my hopes lit up. It couldn’t possibly be TF, but I hoped it would be. Of course I hoped it would be. =|

So I clicked on the message to expand it and I waited for the name to pop up. It was my brother. =( Not nearly as exciting. Sorry brother, but not what I was looking for.

It would be so great to hear from him, despite everything, but I don’t think it’ll ever happen. I don’t actually expect to hear from him. I think he’ll take my words to heart and he’ll forget the part where I said I hated saying it and that I enjoyed hanging out with him, and he’ll let this whole thing go.

That’s not what I wanted. I said that stuff out of fear/anxiety/honesty.
I mean, I know I did the right thing. It had to be said. I cannot lie to him. But there’s still this lingering feeling that I want to take it all back.

And a lingering depression that I am still blaming on hormones. Not that they’ve ever lasted more than a day before, but it could happen. =\

Would it make any difference right now if I said that I’ve never felt this way before? That every single moment is a memory we shared. That there was this one moment at breakfast yesterday, after an early morning church session, where our friends were sitting across the table from us and she reached out to touch his hand, and his hand looked just like TF’s, and my heart skipped a beat thinking about his hand in mine.

Does any of it even matter? Or was it all just an impossible dream?

rose.
10:48pm