So... I think I'm having a nervous breakdown. Yeah. I don't really know what's happenning or what I'm supposed to do about it, but I definately don't think this is good.
It started with me fighting with my parents about physics. And by "fighting with my parents," I mean them yelling at me and me crying. Honest to God, it was terrible. I would get so upset, and they just wouldn't get it. They found out I haven't been doing my homework. They told me to start doing my homework. First of all, Rogers told us a while ago that until he gets caught up with his grading, we can turn in work as late as we want. Second of all, it's not like I've been blowing it off. I never have time to do all of my homework without staying up late, not to mention practicing for pit. So every night I've said to myself, "what can I afford not to do?" and every night it's been physics. Sometimes I do it at lunch, but mostly it just doesn't get done. I kept figuring I'd be able to catch up later, and I have, over the past few days. But I didn't get much sleep while I was catching up. My parents yelling at me just made it worse. Arguments with them are always extremely time consuming and make me feel like not doing anything. Which just made me stay up later and get more depressed and stressed out. Seriously, it was upsetting. My parents never yell at me about school. And I always slack off. And now, the one time when I am literally working as hard as my body will allow me to, they yell at me - actually yell at me and act all angry and tell me that I have to work harder.
So I started falling asleep in bio. I did it like, three times, and every time, she sent me to the nurse. Friday I felt like falling asleep again. I also felt kind of sick from eating a Dunkin' Donuts muffin. (never eating one of those again. It is like having cake for breakfast. Really dense cake.) I became aware of the fact that it was really hot in the classroom. I started to get claustrophobic. I started to get a headache. I considered asking to go to the nurse, but this would be time number four, and out of the same class all four times. And the teacher is so nice... So I figured I would go to the bathroom, at least so that I could get out of there. I figured I would sit down for a while somewhere empty and quiet and maybe wash my face, and just stay there until I felt better and then go back and do the lab. But once I got to the bathroom, the headache got worse. I felt like I was going to throw up. I got on my knees in the handicap stall. Then kind of sank down until my forehead touched the floor. I was vaguely aware that there were other people in the bathroom. They didn't notice me. Part of me was very glad, but part of me hoped they would eventually. When I regained consciousness, I was completely collapsed on the floor, and someone was knocking very hard on the door of the handicap stall saying, "Whoever's in there, open up!"
I opened my eyes (or maybe they were already open) and saw vaguely old lady-ish shoes and stockings from under the door. I tried to figure out what was going on. The shoes could belong to Ms. Bio. Or they could belong to the nurse. I opened the door. It was the nurse. "What were you doing on the floor?" she said.
"Uhhh,"
"Do you feel sick? Why didn't you come to me?"
"Well, I've already been three times..."
"And you thought you'd get trouble from me, or Ms. Bio? Always come to the clinic if you feel sick Aidan, always. Those girls were very scared, you know, the ones who came and got me. They said they tried to talk to you and you weren't responding."
"I... don't... I didn't hear them."
I ended up sleeping for half an hour in the nurse's office before I went back to bio. When I had to explain what happenned to Ms. Bio and Zee, I realized how incredibly bad the whole situation sounded. I was discovered unconscious on the bathroom floor. At first I tried telling people, "It's not as bad as it sounds," but then I realized, "...Maybe it is."
Well, one good thing came out of this: my parents stopped yelling at me. They don't even want me to drop out of anything either. (Although this was their initial reaction.) I think they are just accepting right now that I am going to keep up to the best of my abilities, and that's all. I just hope I can keep up at this point. I at least hope I can get Bs, and not suck at pit by the time we put on the show.
It happenned again today. We had a band competition. We performed (indoors, because of the rain) and I felt fine. Then after we were finished, when I was sitting eating junk food with Molly, I felt really lightheaded. Again, I started to get hot and claustrophobic, and I kind of wanted to lie down. Then I started to panic, because I realized that I'd left my physics homework, which I had intended to do at the competition, in the parking lot where we changed. I freaked out and ran around looking for it and got more lightheaded. I remember finding out from my mother that my physics stuff was in the truck. Then I don't remember much except trying to find someplace quiet, and freaking out because there was none. I'm pretty sure I was acting really wierd. I could kind of hear Molly and Dave calling my name at one point, but I did not talk to them. I just wanted to get out of there. I asked my mom if we could go home, and she brought me home. I slept for a while. And I guess I am going to the doctor, although I'm not sure what I will tell her. I don't want to miss school, but I'm afraid that going to school will just make it worse. I especially don't want Mr. Thomas to know what is happenning in case it affects my chances at drum major. And I don't know how I am going to convince Ms. Bio that I am ok. Or even whether that is true.
I mean, I have been carrying on with my normal activities. I have been doing social stuff. Kind of. It's not all bad. I am just very concerned, because there seems to be no way to fix this.
I should be doing work now.
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