not where we want it in 2016

Nov. 12, 2016
5:12pm

I know I won’t have time to finish this right now, or even get very far [especially because I can’t seem to type on this keyboard at work…] but I might as well start now and continue later. There’s a lot of stuff running through my head and I want to get as much of it out as possible before bed tonight. Not sure why I didn’t feel the urge to type it up last night. I guess perhaps I was still processing though.

Note to self: do not listen to romantic Spanish music when you’re trying to concentrate on anything other than the boy you just pushed away....

I didn’t mean for it to go down yesterday. Like not at all! I wanted to wait until I saw him in person, or at least until we were on a phone call. I mean, text was the one thing I said I didn’t want to do because of how awful it seems, and yet it was what ended up happening. I just have this inability to lie to him, which is probably a really good thing, but I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t say everything was okay when it clearly was not.

So here’s how it went down:
I got a text from him around 11:30am. The typical “good morning beautiful” which honestly felt so fake after the conversation we’d had the day before.

Ok. I definitely did not get time to finish that while we were at the office yesterday, and I didn’t get time to finish it after I got home either. So here I am a day later hoping that I can finally get these words on the page and try to figure out my next move.

Anyway, where was I?

The text convo: I just find it hard to understand how he can call me “beautiful” via texts but then he said things over the phone which felt so disrespectful. I mean, I’m not that easily offended but it went too far.

So I didn’t respond. It was a pretty busy day. Helping out with the paint project and what not. I didn’t really know what to say either. I didn’t know how I wanted to play it out.

By that afternoon we’d decided to take a friend, who was in town and leaving soon, out to dinner. We’d picked her up and were on our way to the steakhouse around 4pm when I heard my phone go off in the door’s handle. “Are you mad at me Rose?” Except he misspelled a couple of the words, including my name. =| Slightly annoyed that he couldn’t even bother to spell check my name, but whatever.

I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t say no because of the aforementioned honesty thing. It didn’t really seem like the right time to deal with it. I had so much floating through my head that I did that avoidance thing. It was too much to work through. How to answer, what words to use, how to convey the right message.

So it continued to sit. We were almost to the restaurant anyway. I’m not usually the quickest responder either. We’d been at the restaurant a little while when I felt the chair buzz. I thought it was my mom’s phone but checked mine just in case. When I pulled it out of my purse I noticed another text [less than an hour after the 1st]. “Rose?” [Spelled incorrectly again. Dude really should learn to spell check! Especially something important like that. But whatever.]

I have to say that I think he knew he’d done something wrong. I’ve gone way longer without answering before. He might have sent another text after I didn’t respond to the morning one, but what made him assume/ask if I was mad at him? He had to have known! It’s too different from his usual pattern.

We’d gone days without talking before, but I guess we haven’t really gone longer than a day since we hung out a couple weeks ago. Still. It was a weird question coming from him. Then not even waiting an hour before questioning where I was? He knew. It’s not just my imagination.

It took me a while to respond after that. I certainly couldn’t pull my phone out right there at dinner. I thought about sneaking off to the bathroom to put something together but I knew it was going to need some serious thought.

We finished eating and went to the store to buy more paint. I did finally sneak off to the bathroom after we got there. I’d tried to compose something in the car but didn’t have enough time. It was after 6 o’clock at this point, but I just could not figure out what to write. That was combined with my old school phone that limits the characters in each text. And my penchant for overthinking every single line.

So I kept typing, and deleting, and retyping, and deleting, and rearranging, and typing some more.

It turned into: “Sorry, I was out at dinner. But honestly I think we’re clearly looking for very different things and I’d hate to waste your time..”
TF: :(
Me: I hate to say it. Really! I’m sorry. =( But you know I like to be straightforward about this stuff. I’m not in it for the games.
TF: Ok, I was just having fun with you. But I respect you.
TF: [an hour and a half later - while I was overthinking my reply] Ps, you haven’t wasted a second of my time. You’re very fun to hang out with. I like you.
Me: I like hanging out with you too. I was just trying to do that w/out the pressure of more. You’re definitely giving the impression you want more than I can give.
Me: Maybe I got it wrong, or I’m too conservative, or take it too seriously. I can’t really help it. =\

And that’s where it ended. That’s where it’s at now. He didn’t respond and I can’t be any more honest than that.

Since we’re doing the whole honesty thing - it’s kinda killing me. =( Yesterday I was all like I don’t know if I miss him or I just miss the idea of him. Having someone around. The holidays are coming up. It’s nice to talk to someone. Etc. But is it really him? Or could he easily be replaced by anyone?
But by last night I was desperately wanting to text him to say how much I missed him already. How everything had come out wrong and I wanted to take it all back.

I’m feeling much of the same today. I want to tell him that I miss him, even if it’s only been two days, and even if he makes stupid inappropriate comments. I want to tell him that I hate the way things went down. That I didn’t mean for it to happen that way. That I really would like to explain where I’m coming from so that it can all make more sense. I feel like I caught him completely off guard and yet he seemed to know something was coming.

And I want him to fight for me.
It’s crazy and totally unfair of me to say that after what I said to him. But it’s true. I want him to fight to keep me. If he just said that he missed me, or that he hates not talking to me, or that he feels bad for what he said, or that he’s sorry - I’d walk right back to him in a heartbeat.

I just don’t think it’ll happen that way. Perhaps that whole “respect” thing means that he’s going to respect my decision and stay away. And my pride won’t ever let me beg him to come back.

Although if this depression I’m currently feeling lingers any longer I might consider telling my pride to f*ck off.
Doubt it though…

rose.
10:40pm