from: nov. 2006 in The Wonderland Years: 2006: transferred over from FOD

‘It’s 1:30 am and I’m sitting here. I wish I had someone to talk to but I don’t and I’m sitting here. I am so incredibly tired. It’s now Saturday. I’m hungry and tired and I honestly feel like shit. I’m not even going to pardon my language for that one I’m just going to tell it like it is. For once. Be completely straightforward. Hell I don’t know. Straightforward what a strange phrase. So I’m sitting here on the blue cushy sofa watching tv and listening to the blinds, the fan and my fingers typing. Wishing I had someone to talk to. But who the fuk is awake at 1:30 am? Besides me. I’m so lonely. I never go to sleep until 3 am and I don’t know why. Purely out of habit. Maybe. People say, you can always talk to them, but then when you need them, really need them no one’s there. So you go to sleep in hopes that you never wake up. But then you do and realize it’s back again.

I’m spiraling out of control I’m spiraling downwards. Where else do I have to spiral? I don’t know. Spiraling spinning round and round twirling on the tire swings. A memory from when I was little. My brain tells me to sleep but my emotions are standing in the way. Random thought of the moment: I need to buy food. Again.
Every time I need to talk to someone it always seems to be about something bad. I know that’s why people are there but it doesn’t really seem fair. Nothing ever is. Sometimes…nothing to live for everything to die for. My best friend was right; what’s the point in turning on the light when all that’s left is darkness?’