Visions. in The Present
- Nov. 13, 2016, 5:52 a.m.
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- Public
Yesterday we had argument #5763790 over this whole thing. I say argument because it wasn’t a happy conversation, but it’s not like we disagreed. I just get frustrated because I can’t say anything about how or why I’m feeling a certain way without him shutting down and saying it’s all his fault, he sucks. I get frustrated because his words, while true to an extent, aren’t helpful. I have to get my thoughts out, but obviously it’s not helpful telling them to him. So few of my friends know about this, I feel like I haven’t one to talk to. So thank you for listening.
Our conversation was over text yesterday, while we were both in the same room. I didn’t mean for that to happen, but 1) I was chicken shit but more importantly, 2) the kids were around and I didn’t want them to hear any of it.
For the rest of the evening, he was physically cold towards me. I needed his touch so badly, but he’d appease for one kiss and move away. I fell asleep in the chair, and he woke me up at 11:30 to go to bed. We went upstairs. I stripped down. He laid down and turned away from me. I scooted over to spoon him, sliding my hand under his shirt. He was rigid and cold. I was sure that I had ruined everything. This must be beginning of the end.
I rolled over, sad and exasperated. I needed to know that he still wanted me, needed me, but it appeared I had ruined it all. Then his hands began to wander across my body. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It felt like a wall came crashing down between us.
He took my breath away. I was felt so connected and in sync with him as I haven’t for a while. After the third time, I was spent. As he finished, though, her face appeared in my mind, judging and critiquing me; how she could have satisfied him better.
For the record, he has never compared us. He has never expressed a preference for her, sexually. But I can’t help but assume that he would if he chose being with her virtually over being with me actually. She’s younger, thinner, prettier, and more experienced than me. How could he not prefer her?
We cuddled, and he drifted off to sleep. I rolled over and for the next hour, every time I closed my eyes her face appeared.
I’m alone at all the wrong times-and can’t find solitude when I need it.
Timmy™ ⋅ November 13, 2016
without him shutting down and saying it’s all his fault, he sucks.
Oh man, I'm so guilty of that, I'm sorry you have to deal with it. It's a pain in the ass. I'll feel guilty, but rather than addressing the issue it turns into "I suck so much". That is, rather than dealing with how my shittiness effects my partner, she has to comfort me. NOT FAIR TO HER.
(But I'm aware of it, so I know what to look for in the future. No idea if he's aware of it.)
Texting in the same room CAN help. Gives you time to respond. I hate being on-the-stop at times.
Emotional distance begets physical distance, with one hoping to inspire the other. I'm sorry you're going through this. I remember my ex reaching out for cuddles, and I felt terrible that I felt... nothing. (So I fathom I was as cold as you're describing him to be.) But I'm just speaking for myself, I can't know what's going through his head.
Nope. Timmy™ ⋅ November 13, 2016
Yeah, he did talk to me some this morning about his response to me physically yesterday and he was just feeling so torn down, he couldn't. The biggest task for us right now is to discern how to acknowledge each other's feelings without assuming personal blame for the other person feeling as they do.
Timmy™ Nope. ⋅ November 13, 2016
I remember what annoyed me at the time was it felt like all we did was talk about our relationship. Communication IS necessary, but there's something to be said for the nonstressful nature of nonsequitor conversation.
Nope. Timmy™ ⋅ November 13, 2016
Well, it's been at least 6-9montgs since this has come up(or anything about relationship), so I don't think that was the issue. :-)
Timmy™ Nope. ⋅ November 13, 2016
Oh good. It was months on end for me, reaching a point where it felt like all we talked about was THE RELATIONSHIP.
Boy, what I'd give for a nice conversation about cheese.
Nope. Timmy™ ⋅ November 13, 2016
Cheese is good. We had an amazing smoked Swiss last week that was out of this world.
Timmy™ Nope. ⋅ November 13, 2016
Maybe I'll grill myself a cheese for lunch.
Timmy™ ⋅ November 13, 2016
On the stop? On the SPOT.
Deleted user ⋅ November 13, 2016
Can you ask him to just listen to you without shutting down. Without getting to the point where he blames himself. To just listen, observe and support you? That you aren't looking to make him a bad guy but just need to express yourself to help him understand where you are at and how you feel.
Nope. Deleted user ⋅ November 13, 2016
That is something we're working on. It came up in our talk yesterday.