Yesterday, Adam announced that the clarinets would be having a spirit day Monday - Dress like a pirate day. "Anyone else who wants to dress like a pirate can too," he said, at the end.
After practice, I walked up to Eric, Alice, Smitty and Jason, all standing in a group. "So Smitty," I said. "Do you think low brass should do pirate day?"
"Hell no," he said, making a face. "We're not clarinets, are we?"
"If he'd phrased it any other way," said Alice, "I would be all for it. I mean, that's a good idea - pirate day. But it pissed me off how he was basically like, 'We're having a spirit day. Oh, and you guys can do it too if you really want.'"
"I'm just sick of the clarinets thinking they own the band," said Jason.
"And by 'the clarinets,' you mean..."
"Adam," said several people in unison, with expressions ranging from annoyance to disgust.
"Well, I'm dressing up Monday," said Eric, after a pause. Alice gave him a look. "Oh, not like a pirate. Like a member of the British royal navy." Everyone laughed.
Are these the bandies of my revenge fantasies? I thought. They seem to really dislike him suddenly. Huh.
Last night I dreampt that I was doing something with the band and Adam was following me around. He was being annoying and dorky and pompous - the way Alice and Smitty and Jason apparantly see him. I was feeling the way I usuallly feel around him - bitter and uncomfortable. I looked at the ground. But he wouldn't stop trying to talk to me. Eventually, we made eye contact. Then, without warning, he came closer to me and kissed me. And I kissed him back. God, it was so real. The kind of reality I can't even recreate when I'm awake. I could actually feel nose rubbing against nose, tongue sliding over tongue. I could smell him and taste him and feel his eyelashes brushing against my cheek. His arms were wrapped around my waist and I could feel the warmth of his body. It was sweet and obscene and affectionate, all at the same time, the way real kisses are. He was speaking to me, saying unfathomably profound things that could never be put into words. The silence was penetrating. It was so fucking accurate.
He pulled away, and I snapped out of it. I slapped him across the face, hard. I hit him again and again. He tried to pull away, but I held him there and just kept hitting him. "WHAT... IS... YOUR... FUCKING... PROBLEM!?" I yelled. "LEAVE... ME... ALONE!" Leave me alone. Why won't he leave me alone? I was screaming and crying and just violently beating him. He broke away and I ran to Smitty, who put his arm around my shoulder and said reassuring things and led me away...
I woke up breathing hard.
When I went back to sleep, I dreampt I was trying out for pit. Everyone was there at the same time, playing. Bonnie and Ivy weren't there, just a couple of freshmen, so I figured I was all set. But when I picked up my flute, it was different than I remembered it. I played, and the sound was weak and wobbly. I even had a hard time balancing it, the way Leah, my student, used to. When I played a B flat scale, I stuck an A flat in. I could have sworn that was the fingering for A. Mr. Casto gave me a strange look. I looked at my flute. Has it really been that long since I played?...
We marched a parade today. By the time we finished, my lips were absolutely shot and I had about a one octave range. I was soaked in sweat and almost blacking out. Man, marching parades with trombone is hard.
When we were just standing around waiting, we jammed a little. (I've gotten pretty good at laying down bass lines, and even figuring them out.) Then we switched instruments. At one point, I switched with Valerie, and took a solo during a jam. It was pretty bad.
"Valerie," I said afterwards. "You've got to get this thing repaired. The F, G, and A flat just aren't there. When I tried to play them, nothing came out."
She gave me a wierd look. "I can get them out." She took the flute back and played them. "I mean, yeah, it's a terrible instrument, but they're there..." Just like my dream. I used to be better than Valerie, hands down. Now... The notes won't come out? What's with that?
I have no energy left. I really didn't have any energy left yesterday, actually. That's probably why the parade was so hard, and why my range wasn't great, even in the beginning. Ugh, and now I have to do homework. I'm starting to realize that I really don't get a break until December. Not one day.
On the bus, I found myself staring at Adam. Back at the band room, I found myself trashing him.
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