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I was able to go to work today and distract myself from how sad and hopeless I feel about the election results. I didn’t cry today, but I teared up a few times. I keep desperately wishing this was like other elections that I’ve lived through, that the republican candidate who was elected would be like other republican candidates, even if I disagree almost entirely with them. This feels like something I would have read in a history textbook that happened in the early 1900s or something. But it didn’t. It’s now.

I was so inspired by the enthusiasm that people had this cycle about third-party candidates. I cried when Bernie made his opening speech during the primary debates. I had hope that our country would continue the trend towards political and social change. But all I learned was that our country was more sexist than racist, and we weren’t ready for a female president. I had to process through that as well, because even I was put off by Hillary when she won the primaries and I was bitter about the things that went on in the DNC. I didn’t trust her and I didn’t want to vote for her. But as I researched her and processed my feelings, I came to understand that I was being critical of her because that’s how we are towards women who are in positions of power. It was a realization that struck me, and I although I disagreed with some of her views and her voting history, I was with her. Status quo would be better than Trump.

Voting day arrived, and I voted for the first time in my life. I was so excited. I left the polling station in a great mood, although I knew that Kansas would be red, since it always is. (I found at the end of the night that 35% of Kansas voters chose Hillary, which was higher than I expected). I turned on the election coverage with confidence, since early in the day she had a 70% chance of winning. I felt relieved, but in the back of my mind, I also felt very, very nervous. In the past few months I kept reassuring my partner that there was no way Trump was going to win. All of the polls were in Hillary’s favor, not enough people were that pro-Trump, etc.

I was wrong.

I sat on the couch in disbelief as he won more and more states. Key states. I felt sick. I wanted to vomit. My eyes welled up. I felt like I was in a dream, the kind that I wake up exhausted from anxiety. I thought about all of the stories I’ve heard from children in schools who asked their teachers if Trump won, would they be forced to go away. I thought about the LGBTQIA community. I thought about my partner’s sister and her recent engagement to her girlfriend. I thought about my daughter and how she has a high chance of being sexually assaulted in her lifetime. I thought about my autistic son. I sobbed. My eyes are welling up now.

I am sad. My sadness has since turned to anger. I thought about my mother and my father, who have made their disapproval of certain groups of people perfectly clear. I am disgusted by their implicit approval of hate crimes and harrassment. It makes me want to vomit when I think about how they wouldn’t care if policies were enacted that hurt minorities further, because they already don’t care about minorities, even if they say that aren’t racist.

My mother, who was a victim of sexual assault, and whose sisters were victims of sexual assault, supported a man who explicitly stated that with enough money and power, men could freely sexually assault women. With her vote, she made it perfectly clear of what she decided was okay for women.
My father, who has talked about black people in despicable ways, voted for Trump. I do not speak to my father. But if I already didn’t, I surely wouldn’t now.
My mother and my father have made it perfectly clear with their vote that they do not care about the possible terrible treatment my son could receive as a person with a disability as a result of this, or the treatment my daughter could receive by virtue of being born female. This is called “implicit approval” and if you don’t know what that means, I implore you to explore that further.

So yes, I’m angry.

And I’m not going to be sorry for signing petitions and using social media as an outlet. I’m not spewing hateful rhetoric. I’m not calling Trump supporters names. I’m voicing my unabashed concerned and despair. Because this actually IS a big deal, and anyone’s gaslighting of me and other concerned Americans is not going to change that.

Last updated November 10, 2016