Let's just call it... in 2016

4:47pm

I keep trying to type this out, but I am doing that whole procrastination thing and I’m avoiding. It’s been like a half hour since I started and I have yet to put any real words down.

There won’t be a whole recap of everything that’s been going on. Mostly I don’t remember where I left off and so I’ll leave all that for another day [or not at all].

The whole TF thing kinda hit a turning point today. A sad, I don’t really want to accept it, we’ll see how I feel tomorrow kinda turning point.

There was some back and forth stuff earlier this week about hanging out. I joked about how it would be a couple months from now. He said “no this weekend” which I questioned because he sometimes forgets the “t” in not. He didn’t really respond to that. So Tuesday I hadn’t heard much from him during the day so I sent a text in the afternoon asking where we’d landed on the hanging out - yes, no, maybe?

His reply? “Mexico” …

What the heck does that even mean?! I could have gone a lot of ways with it but I just went funny and said he could swing by and get me I’d be ready in ten. He laughed and carried on a regular ol’ conversation as if I’d never asked. Never gave me a concrete answer. He normally calls though when he wants to set something up so I should have just guessed it was a no. But he was the one that brought it up in the first place asking what we were going to do for our next “friend date.”

Then today I was sitting around [after spending the morning tearing old staples out of plywood because apparently my mom and I can’t sit still and we’ve decided to replace her carpet at the last minute…story for another day.] and I kept thinking about how tomorrow was Friday and soon the weekend would be over. Which probably means seeing him wouldn’t happen for another two weeks [I’m under the impression that he has his son every other weekend] and that would lead us into Thanksgiving. I really just want to see him because I need to make this confession to him in order to move on. I have a pretty good idea on how he’s going to react to it and I just want to get it over with. I cannot move on, or move forward, until I do.

So I’d been thinking about calling him all day. Texts yesterday were weird and unenthusiastic on his end, which is strange. I’ve never called him before though so I waited until after Mom left this afternoon and then I got super nervous. I can’t remember the last time I called someone, other than family, just to talk and not have it be work related. I stared at my phone for a long while and then finally went to sit in my room to put on some background distraction music and make the call.

Then I stared at it some more. ha. Until I finally convinced myself to just call. What’s the worst that can happen?!
He didn’t answer…

I sorta figured that would happen. He tends to get out of work pretty early and reception is spotty where he lives. I put the phone down and leaned back on the bed to try to calm my adrenaline back down.

Only I didn’t have much time to recover. Within a couple of minutes the phone was ringing and I shot up to answer it and my heart started racing all over again.

He asked if I’d butt dialed him again. hah. I said no, and that I was just calling to say hi, and he seemed shocked that I was the one that was calling without a reason. I made a joke about calling to check on him after the whole election and Clinton losing. We had a whole thing about it the other day hanging out, but he missed the joke and said he didn’t vote for her. ha. duh.

He said he was taking some hunters out. I didn’t even know they went in the afternoons, but I guess they’d gone this morning, or earlier today, and they were going to try to get another before the day was done. I heard people talking in the background when I first answered [thought it was a girl, but who knows] but then it got quiet so I’m guessing he went to sit in his truck.

I said that I’d let him get back to it and he said ok. But then he asked me what I was up to. I said there wasn’t much going on and he asked me what I was wearing. … because that’s totally appropriate to ask someone you barely know. =| He went on this whole spiel about booty shorts, and whether I wore them, and if I’d wear them if he bought me some, and ok fine he’d stick to buying me socks, and I could just wear the socks without the shorts. I was feeling totally awkward at this point so I said, “Ok. On that note. I’m going to go.” He laughed and we hung up.

I mean, who the heck does that?!? He’s suddenly become such a typical guy. Like stereotypical jerk in a bar who just wants a piece of ass. And I never imagined he would be like that.

I should have known he wasn’t going to be interested in any more than that.
I did know, but I was in a strong denial. I thought the stuff about wanting to kiss me was just him being cute and really attracted to me. That two minute conversation today was the straw that pushed me from denial to acceptance though.

We clearly want two very, very different things and I cannot give him what he wants. Here I thought I’d been super straightforward about it. Since the very beginning I’ve been telling him that I just wanted to be friends, that I didn’t want to mess around or play these games. I even specifically said that if he was looking for a piece of ass [after a mis-typed text on his part] he should look a lot further.

Apparently that’s not enough? I know I f-ed it up when I let him hold my hand. He just wasn’t like that at all when we were together. He was super respectful and kind. And I’m an idiot. Or I feel like an idiot right now for not accepting that it was going to turn out like this.

I honestly thought it was going to be different. I didn’t think he was going to be this super cocky guy who thinks that he can get a girl to do whatever he wants by throwing around a little charm and those stupid sparkling eyes.

Ha. Jokes on him. He picked the wrong girl. Being honest does not equal playing hard to get with me. This isn’t some game, or challenge, to win. This is just life and I wanted to do things right.

But I guess that doesn’t matter in this world.
I’ve always said I was born into the wrong generation anyway.

Now I’m stuck having to figure out how to end this whole thing without making it awkward. We still have to work together. Thank God he works with my mom, but I’ll still have to see him when he comes into the office. Of course he’s one of those people that usually needs to come in more than once too.

So I can’t do the text thing. That would just be wrong. But I can’t see him either. There isn’t really an opportunity. I don’t know. Phone call maybe? Next time we talk just tell him that we’re on two different pages and there’s no way we’ll end up on the same one?

I don’t know. It feels very ‘done’ right now. Like I don’t feel like putting up with any of it anymore. I’m not a stupid prize to be won.

I’m an intelligent, funny, kind, honest, straightforward, witty sarcastic sense of humor kind of girl and it’s his loss. =]

I’ll let y’all know how it goes.

rose.
6:07pm