Yesterday was the band pizza party, the first hang-around-with-band-geeks event of the year. It went pretty well. I talked a lot to Cassandra, Eric and Ani, who I haven't talked to in a while. Seeing Adam made me feel slightly nauseous. I had a short, pleasant conversation with him during which I made fun of him for saying "party in the hizouse" when he is the single most white person in the universe. He laughed. He's so different now. He's... loud. He laughs a lot and jokes a lot, and apparantly now hangs out with a bunch of new people who I don't know. Even his voice sounds different. I came home and felt depressed and lonely. I ended up talking to Tom online. (I don't know how to change font color. Hopefully the *s will make it clear which one of us it talking.)
Him: You have a weblog.
(I recently joined myspace and wrote one weblog entry)
*Me: so I do
Him: ...Why?
*Me: mmmmmmmm
*Me: I'm addicted to the internet?
Him: bah
(pause.)
*Me: meh
*Me: so what's up?
Him: Nothing
Him: tis depressing
Him: I am alone and friendless.
*Me: I'm fairly depressed also
Him: Odd question:
*Me: ok
Him: Do you think of me as a stoner?
*Me: honestly
*Me: a little
Him: Mm.† Why?
*Me: I mean, I don't really group you in with the other ones
*Me: well I dunno
*Me: you just hint at the fact that you smoke a lot
*Me: so I assume you do
Him: I honestly don't smoke that often.
*Me: hm
Him: What makes a "stoner"?
*Me: a lot of times you really don't know
*Me: people assume stuff...
*Me: I'm not sure where it comes from
*Me: like I always thought Rob Yonnick was
*Me: he's only smoked once
Him: heh, yes
*Me: do you get the impression that people think of you that way in general?
*Me: slash
*Me: does it bother you?
Him: I don't know.
*Me: I don't really know either
*Me: I guess you just have to come right out and say how much you smoke/don't† smoke
*Me: because people suck at guessing
Him: I suppose.
*Me: Daveís never done it
Him: I know.
*Me: I totally thought he had
Him: Hah.† Nope.
*Me: I might stop doing myspace
*Me: because it's stupid, really
Him: Incredibly.
*Me: yeah
Him: Its a narcisstic little ego trip that no one cares about and no one reads, as a rule.
*Me: and also to prove how many friends you have
*Me: and socialize with people you don't know that well
*Me: slash like
*Me: and I'm not even very social anyway
Him: I suppose.
Suddenly, for some reason, something occoured to me that's never occoured to me before. There was a perfectly good reason for Adam to turn into a jerk so suddenly in the spring, and a perfectly good reason now for him not to be Adam anymore at all...
*Me: do people change a lot when they go on antidepressants?
*Me: do you know?
Him: No idea.
Him: I'd assume, if they've been depressed, they cease.
Him: Why, feeling down?
*Me: well no
*Me: well yes
*Me: but I'm pretty sure I would never take them
*Me: for other reasons
*Me: but I was just thinking...
Him: Well.
Him: No drugs, lets talk.
*Me: I think adam's on them
Him: Why are you feeling depressed?
*Me: and it bothers me
Him: Really?
*Me: I think he is
Him: Why do you say that?
*Me: he's gotten a lot less quiet lately
*Me: which I guess could be considered a good thing
*Me: but I dunno...
*Me: now he just kind of seems obnoxious
*Me: It bothers me
*Me: ...not sure why
Him: Yes...† I know what you mean about being less quiet.
Him: Although, that may just be the air and sunshine.
Him: And a few good junior friends- that doesn't hurt.
*Me: I know he was going to go on them eventually
*Me: so...
*Me: I assume he has
Him: Hm.
*Me: because it seems like he's completely different all of a sudden
Him: knew for a fact?
*Me: um, yeah
*Me: I wouldn't bring it up though
*Me: with him
Him: Of course not.
*Me: just making sure
(pause.)
*Me: I suppose I've considered antidepressants
*Me: because I went to a shrink once
*Me: and she was like
*Me: you are definately depressed for no reason at all
*Me: there is nothing I can do
Him: She sucks.
*Me: but really
Him: I've been going to a therapist for a while.
*Me: I have nothing to be depressed about most of the time
Him: He's a cool guy.
*Me: first try?
Him: We talked about Rorschart tests and acid today.
*Me: or did you have to look around?
Him: What?
*Me: I mean, is he the first one you've ever been to?
*Me: it seems like it'd be hard to hit a good one
Him: Well, he's cool.
Him: Hmm..
Him: Would you ever consider taking recreational drugs?
*Me: yeah
*Me: actually um
*Me: in france I smoked hooka
*Me: does that count?
Him: Whoa, what?
*Me: I didn't feel high
*Me: I just threw up
Him: You smoked out of a hookah?!
*Me: yes
Him: ...You threw up?
*Me: yes
Him: That's odd.
*Me: I think I smoked too much
*Me: or too fast
*Me: or something
*Me: ...And I was an exchange student.
*Me: I didn't really know what was going on
Him: Ah.
*Me: my host was just like, "I'm taking you to this bar"
*Me: and I was like "ok."
Him: Hah!
Him: Drink at all?
*Me: Not in the bar
*Me: which is a good thing
*Me: because I probably would've gotten sicker
*Me: but I had some sparkling cider a different time
Him: Hm...
*Me: and I got slightly silly
Him: Weird.
Him: I really can't think of any reason why you'd have thrown up.
Him: Maybe just dizziness- that could do it.
*Me: yeah, I got really dizzy first
Him: Oh, yeah.
*Me: and then the other smoke in the bar stared annoying me
*Me: so I went outside
Him: That's a general first time reaction.
*Me: but it was too late
Him: Still
Him: hookah
Him: that's cool
Him: those are not common
*Me: well
*Me: I guess they're more common in europe
Him: thats possible
*Me: and it was tobacco
*Me: although I didn't know that at the time
Him: hah, niccotine high!
*Me: they don't exactly teach you that sort of vocabulary in language class
*Me: so she had a hard time telling me about it
Him: heh
Him: "mar-i-wan-ah"
Him: Not that hard.
*Me: she called it "cannibus"
*Me: she said "do not worry.† It is not cannibus"
*Me: and I was like, "oh.† What is it?"
Him: Yeah
*Me: and that's where we got stuck
Him: what'd she call it?
*Me: the french word for
*Me: is it called sheesha?
*Me: in english?
*Me: yeah, it's not even called that there
*Me: it's called something different
Him: sheesha?
*Me: see, I researched it when I got home
Him: hashish?
*Me: no
*Me: I think that's what they call the stuff
*Me: the flavored tobacco
*Me: I guess it's not cool to call it tobacco
*Me: or something
Him: Ah
Him: I see
*Me: I'm pretty sure if it were hashish
Him: (Weird.)
*Me: something would have happenned
*Me: besides me throwing up
*Me: which it didn't.
Him: Yah, you would've felt hash, I think.
Him: I honestly couldn't tell you
Him: but its very strong.
*Me: m
*Me: well
*Me: my parents think the computer makes me not sleep
*Me: which they're probably right about
*Me: so I have to go
Him: but
Him: but
Him: its not even 11 yet
*Me: well
*Me: I stay up until two
*Me: presumably
Him: Yes, and
*Me: my parents think that if I stayed up until eleven on the comp
*Me: I would not sleep until two thirty
Him: but
Him: that makes not a sense!
*Me: Iím sorry
*Me: go talk to my parents
*Me: I'll talk to you later
*Me: like, probably tomorrow.
Him: See ya round.
Tom is a good, good guy. I feel bad that when I went online today, he was obviously depressed, and I was not as depressed, and as a result we were only able to talk briefly about nothing at all and with a lot of awkward silences.
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