You know, I really like the Beatles. It's too bad every time I listen to them, I am forcibly reminded of Adam. I've been trying to figure out why for quite some time. At first I just came up with "he likes them" or "he played their music his first year in marching band" or "they've both got that quiet, cute, British thing going on." But recently I realized that it has a lot more to do with his AIM profiles. It's that easy, happy attitude about love.
...Love is natural. Love is universal. Love is so important, we're going to talk about it all the time. It doesn't really matter who you're in love with, as long as you've got somebody to love. The more the better, man. Love is all you need...
And whether this message is conveyed by lyrics or profiles or actions, I have pretty much the same internal reaction:
No, you idiots! You don't get it. Love isn't like that. Love should be rare. It should be complex and confusing, and take up most of your mental energy. It is not something that should be given freely or easily. It should be something that, despite your best efforts, fights its way into the very pit of your soul and leaves you completely helpless for a very long time. It should be painful. That's what makes it beautiful. That's what makes it special. There is nothing special about love when it is easy and abundant. That makes it cheap. And stop talking about it as if it is natural. It sure as hell never felt natural to me.
How could he not have known? How could he not have known how hard and wierd and painful it was for me to be so deeply in love with him? Why didn't he see it in the way I looked at him? Why didn't he understand what it meant when forcing the words "I love you" out of my mouth made tears roll down my cheeks? He looked at me that day with mixed curiosity and astonishment and said, "I never thought you were a sentimental person."
I'm not. THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT.
And I say to myself, "Dude, it's alright. You're over him. You're ready to move on, right? Julian, right?"
I am over him. I am ready to move on. I do like Julian... I think. But still, I wonder whether it will ever again be that real - that deep - that all consuming - or whether I'll just be jaded and have that "Love is easy" attitude myself. I'm almost certain that Adam picked up this attitude after Ivy broke up with him. I wonder whether Julian is my equivalent of... well... Me.
I think this all started when I found out that John was married before Yoko. I thought, "I can just imagine being his first wife and shaking my fist at the radio every time I heard him singing about how great love is."
Maybe I'm just jealous of people who understand affection and are good at showing it. Maybe that's why I hate them so much.
On a related topic, I still really need to make out with someone. Soon.
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