If I had a dollar bill for every time I was wrong I'd be a self made millionaire and you'd still be gone...
It makes me angry when Adam has things like this in his profile, because I am sure that he is just being generic and emo, and that it would never, ever occour to him to write them about me.
We don't talk online anymore, by the way. This is his choice - he permenantly has an away message up online so that he only talks to who he wants to talk to. He doesn't want to talk to me. And after - what is it, three weeks? - of being away from him - of not having to look at him every day and hear his voice and his laugh and listen to him being friendly to people - when all I have are memories - factual information about his actions...
I don't want to talk to him either. Really.
I'm taking a break from reading Harry Potter, since I've done that for at least seven hours between midnight and now. A lot has happenned since I last wrote, I suppose. The first thing I did Tuesday was apply for a job at Dunkin' Donuts. I walked in and asked the rather helpless looking girl at the counter if they were hiring.
"Are we hiring?" she shouted to a man with a ponytail making coffee.
He turned around and looked at me. "Oh! Always!"
"We're hiring," she said, with a nervous smile.
"Can you walk and talk?" shouted the man with the ponytail.
"Yes," I said.
"Great, you're hired, you can start Monday. No seriously, the applications are right there. Fill one out. Make sure to mention that you can breathe."
I filled one out and handed it to the girl. She gave me another smile and the man with the ponytail gave me an enthusiastic goodbye. I walked out slightly wierded out, but encouraged. I started daydreaming about things that working with Julian could possibly lead to. All of the daydreams were pretty unrealistic.
Then I went and hung out with Molly. Really, we did nothing. Nothing at all. We sat on her kitchen counters and talked for three hours. We obsessed over Harry Potter for a while. She told me that she is so overly excited that she has been reading fanfiction. Mostly slash. "The worst one I found was Harry/Ron slash. It was like 'What? Ew!'" "But you read it anyway." "Well, not all of it."
My trombone lesson started late. The first thing Mr. Thomas said to me was, "So, are you starting to feel definate about this descision?"
I said a sequence of wishy-washy, noncommital things that ended with "I dunno. Bonnie kept giving me dirty looks after she found out."
He laughed. "I figured the last thing we'd need to worry about was Bonnie suddenly becoming assertive."
"I hardly think giving me dirty looks makes her 'assertive.'"
"Yeah, point."
There was a pause.
"You know, I wonder a lot - and there's really no way to avoid wondering it - how good I would be at tuba if I'd never taken up another instrument. And I don't know how good I would be - there's no way for me to know, but I always figure this: taking up other instruments has made me a worse tuba player, but a far better teacher. Now I'm not saying that I nessescarily want you to go out and be a band director..."
"...although it has been suggested," I said.
"Oh, I'm not saying you shouldn't either. No, I - I think you'd make a good one." Something about the way he said this took me aback slightly.
He went on. "The way I handle it is that I always keep tuba my priority. If I'm going to practice anything, I practice tuba. You don't want to get to a stage where you're not improving on any of your instruments. Although -" he laughed a little, "I'd say you're already... far from being mediocre on the flute. Anyway, you should always play what you want to play and what you think will improve your overall musicianship." There was another pause.
"That being said, I'm very glad you switched."
Mr. Thomas gives my ego a significant boost pretty much every time I see him. But I still don't know if I did the right thing.
Wednesday, as I mentioned, I went to middle-of-nowhere-mountain-country with my mom to visit colleges. (There are a surprising number of them, which is wierd, because if I had to build a college, this was the last place that would have occoured to me.) The only conclusion that I drew from the tours that we went on was "I don't want to go to college nearly as much as I thought I did." We went to a small college first, and then a huge state school. Even visiting the small college, I felt isolated and trapped. It was pretty clear that the students formed one community rather than several, and because we were in middle-of-nowhere-mountain-country, I'm pretty sure it was the only community for miles around. Campus was about the same size, I would say, as the prep school in our town. The thought of applying there scared me to death.
I figured I would get a better feeling from the huge state school, but I didn't really. I think this had something to do with the architecture - pretty much everything I saw was made of poured cement. And, whereas at the small college I had been freaked out by the fact that everyone knew each other, here I was freaked out by the fact that almost no one knew each other. It would be impossibe - thirty thousand people in one school? That's like, the population of the town I live in. That number didn't bother me at first, but when you actually see how many people there are and how huge the campus is, it's very... intimidating.
To add to this, I saw a dorm room for the first time. "So basically," I said to my mom, "It's like living at summer camp for four years?"
"Yeah, basically."
Oh well. The trip wasn't a total loss. While we were in one of the college towns, we went to a jazz concert. Jesus, it blew my mind. That's all I can say. All of them were the best on their instruments I've ever seen. I have to figure out how to do some of the stuff they were doing.
And last night, of course, was Harry Potter. Molly, Emma, Helen and I all dressed up. Not as any particular charactars - although Molly did point out that she was wearing a Gryffindor badge in honor of Hermione, even though she really belongs in Ravenclaw. I must say, our costumes were among the best there. We looked like freaks. Hah!
I guess that standing in line waiting and looking like freaks was moderately fun, (especially when little kids started asking us where we'd gotten our costumes) but it would have been more fun if Emma and Helen could stop bickering, ever. It's really quite annoying. I swear Helen picks an argument with Emma whenever she can by complaining about something and then shooting down all of Emma's suggestions for how it can be solved. The two of them start arguments with us too. Mostly about "making them feel dumb." Although in all fairness Molly sometimes acts condescending towards Helen when she's being particularly wierd and annoying, it's usually the case that niether or us has been doing anything that would make a normal person feel inferior. What does she want us to do, tone down our vocabulary?
Sigh. Whatever. Any major arguments were avoided. It was mostly just bickering. And now I have my book. And we might be in the town newspaper.
And now, back to Harry Potter. Hm. I'm going to come dangerously close to the deadline I gave myself for the next chapter in my story. Like, I haven't even thought about it.
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