Internet, my band died.
I just had the most terrible rehearsal ever. We couldn't think of anything to do. We decided we don't want to do the restaraunt thing. Then we decided there was no point in doing anything else if we aren't going to perform any time soon. I guess Elijah hates jazz anyway. l did not know this. I guess he thought we were going to be a rock band. And we're not. We had a conversation about how none of us know where this is going. Then when Julian and I were upstairs at the same time calling our parents, I said to him, "Did we just die?"
He said, "Maybe. Probably... Yes."
Do you know what breaking up with your band feels like? Well, I will tell you: It is the exact same feeling as breaking up with your boyfriend, only to a lesser extent. There's that same conversation going on in your head. You know...
"We can't just fall apart. There's got to be something I can do about it."
"No, there isn't. It's just going to happen. You can't stop it."
"But I don't want it to end, and I don't think they want it to end..."
"It doesn't matter. It's something seperate from all of you guys - You're just not working out. You can't go on like this."
"Maybe it's my fault. If only I'd tried to write some songs... Or I could have practiced more, or come up with ideas for gigs... Maybe I'm just a bad musician. It's all my fault!"
"It's not your fault, it just happenned..."
"No, no, it's their fault. Elijah doesn't even care. Dave's a bad musician. Greg gets annoyed too easily..."
"...No. It just happenned. Sometimes sucky things are nobody's fault."
"...I know. But I like being in a band."
Aw man.
Julian has a job at Dunkin' Donuts. He had training today. When he called my house about band practice, I said, "Hello?" and he said, "Welcome to Dunkin' Donuts, may I take your order?"
"Oh, how'd that go?"
"Not that bad. Actually, not bad at all."
"What do you have to do?"
"Um, take people's orders and make stuff, mostly. You pretty much just have to press buttons. And then when you're not doing anything you're supposed to like, take out the garbage."
"...Are they still hiring?"
"I'm not sure. There was a sign in the window yesterday. I didn't notice if it was there today."
After we drove him home (during which my mom definitely made an effort to embarrass me) I asked my mom if I could apply there tomorrow. She said I could. Then she said, "Does this have anything to do with... You want to work with Julian?"
"Um, not... No."
"Doesn't 'not no' mean yes?"
"No."
"Oh."
This, of course, was an outright lie. (And not even a well done outright lie at that.) Without the band, I will not see him otherwise until school starts. We cannot exactly hang out. He is not invited to parties. I really want to work with him, because I really like seeing him. But as soon as she asked that question, I knew that under no circumstances could I tell this to my mother. "Why not?" I asked myself. I considered "Because she would say it wasn't a good idea to get the job," but almost immedately, a better answer came to me:
"Because it would make me a weak female."
Yup. Getting a job at a place because some kid who you kind of like works there is definitely pathetic. And if I'm going to be pathetic, the least I can do is hide it.
Mark called today. I will now attempt to give you some idea of what our conversations are like, and why I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY HE KEEPS CALLING ME. It is WICKED CREEPY and ANNOYING.
Me: Hello? Him: Hi. Me: ...Hi. Him: Just calling to see how you are Me: I'm... good. Him: You're good? Me: Yeah.
Awkward silence.
Him: My boss exploded his toe today.
Pause.
Me: I... Have... Never heard of that. Him: Yeah, he dropped some piping on it and it exploded. Now he can't work anymore for a while. Me: ...How do you "explode your toe?" Him: It's like a ketchup packet. Blood everywhere. Me: Oh. That's... Wierd.
At this point, I got a call waiting signal. It turned out to be Molly, calling for not much of a reason. I told Mark that I had to take the call. He said "Okay. Bye."
Then I thanked Molly for interrupting my call and told her about the guy who exploded his toe. We laughed for a long time.
How... What does that even mean? Like, how can your toe explode? When you just DROP something on it?
Sigh. I feel bad. I mean, I broke his heart. Really, I did. I was pretty much a thoughtless bitch to even go out with him in the first place. But I do not like talking to him at all. I pretty much cannot stand him. I keep hoping he will take a hint, and he never does.
So anyway, I'm hanging out with Molly tomorrow. Then on Friday we're being nerds with Emma and Helen and buying the new Harry Potter book at midnight. w00t. Also, I am going to look at colleges with my mom. I'm not sure where this came from - my mom was just kind of like, "I think we should look at colleges. We're leaving Wednesday." Oh well. At least I will get to drive a lot.
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