Jenn's away message says that she is doing her AP bio homework. I don't want to do my AP bio homework. When I say that, I mean that I don't want to do it now. Part of my brain thinks that I have some intention of doing it later. But the rest of me realizes that I'll never want to do my AP bio homework. I'll never want to practice guiar either. I always say I'm going to do it eventually. I do very rarely. Perhaps the fact that I'm a natural procrastinator is related to my complete lack of understanding when it comes to time. How is the present related to the past and future? Well, every moment is the present at some time or other. If you don't want to do something now, chances are you aren't going to want to do it when later is now. But there's always some part of me that just doesn't get that.
This morning I woke up at five thirty again and forced myself to go back to sleep. When I woke up again, (at ten thirty) I wondered why. Not so that I wouldn't have a headache all day. I've had a headache for the last two weeks. It was, in all seriousness, because I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I decided at five thirty that the next five hours would be better spent unconcious, without even taking into consideration how tired I was. Basically, this is hard evidence that I loathe my own existance. I've never thought of it this way before, but when I did think about it, I realized that I only rarely get any joy out of being concious. Shouldn't humans get joy out of being concious? I mean, what else do we have, really?
I don't understand love. I don't understand why it's so important or what the nature of it is, and I certainly don't understand how to do it. I think about it all the time, for some reason, and no matter how hard I try I can't make any sense of it. There's just this profound lack of understanding.
I D O N O T G E T I T .
And I'm not talking about evolution. I know the why. I mean that feeling. What the hell is that feeling?
My brain's doing something wierd right now. It's not a high. It's not exactly a low either. It's quite possible that it's something in between the two. I am feeling on overdrive. You know - to the point where I start to appreciate that white is a really nice color. It's raining out. I am sitting in my underwear with the keyboard in my lap and my feet on the bed. The keyboard is in my lap because there are flashcards spread across the computer desk where the keyboard should be. Most of them have musical notes on them. One of them says "Ernie Gives Bert Dead Frogs And Cockroaches." They're for Leah. I'm not sure why I'm in my underwear. I felt like it, I guess. I'm sad and I have a headache.
Loading comments...