So things have not been going great lately. Let's see... Thursday I had a bad guitar lesson, followed by a mini breakdown about not being a good musician. I deduced afterwards that this was a reaction partially to battle of the bands and to meeting the really good guitarist at Greg's party, but mostly to the fact that I am switching to trombone in marching band next year. I guess I've always known that I am okay, but nothing special, at the guitar, and that my real talent is at the flute. And once I start playing trombone... When will anyone hear me play the flute? I'm probably not even going to practice anymore. Lydia went from playing flute to brass, and she's said that she got noticably worse once she switched for band. Jeez, I don't want to be mediocre at everything.
Friday we had a movie night at Emma and Helen's. That went pretty well socially, (except for the fact that I cannot stand their mom) but we watched 28 Days Later, and dear God - that is the scariest movie I have ever seen in my life. Much, much worse than the Ring. I guess that's because 28 days later is legitimate sci-fi. It's not based off of superstician at all. It could totally happen. (For those of you who haven't seen it, a virus breaks out in England that makes people violent and animal like - they kind of act like they have rabies. It's transmitted through blood, so if they bite you, you're infected. The virus kills off just about everyone, and the movie centers on a few people trying to survive. The infected people have red eyes and rotting flesh and kind of make wierd snarly noises. Scary shit.) We watched I <3 Huckabees afterwards, and even though that was good, it didn't help at all. I've had to sleep with the lights on for the last couple of nights, and even then, I haven't been able to sleep real well. I guess I just shouldn't watch scary movies, really.
This weekend I've been fighting with my mom more than I ever have in my life. This started when I tried to talk to her Saturday morning and she acted like I was intruding on her, and then for no reason she started crying and had to leave the house. When she got back she appologized and said that it had nothing to do with me. Then she offered to take me out to lunch. I asked if I could drive, and this led to me finding out that I had lost my permit. Both of my parents got angry at me. My mom and I had an unpleasant conversation the whole time we were out to lunch, during which she told me how irresponsable I was and we tried to figure out where it could be. I got very depressed, because I like driving. We went home and I found it under a giant stack of papers.
Then I drove to the Apple Store to pick up the new computer. Yes, we have a new computer. I'm on it right now. Things went pretty well between us as we picked it up, set it up, and started to explore the stuff that it can do. However, then we discovered that the thing we bought so that I can record guitar directly into garage band does not work. I fiddled around with things for a while, got pretty frustrated, and asked if we could call tech support. My mom first implied that I didn't know what I was doing and that I was going to screw up the computer. She then refused to call tech support until after she had fiddled around with the computer, doing all of the same things that I had and getting upset when I pointed this out to her. My mom knows no more, no less about computers than I do. (a.k.a, niether of us know what the hell we're doing and we are clearly the kind of people for whom tech support was created.) She was obviously just being a controll freak.
All day today she's been in my face about stupid little things - just kind of hinting, all the time, that I am irresponsible and immature. And then, just now, she found this in my profile while she was online on the other computer, (who's mom has a screnname, by the way?) and said a lot of very disapproving things and told me right away to take it off. Which is not a big deal. I know it's not a big deal. If I were somebody's mom, I might even see the point in it too. But I figured the internet was an okay place for me to do pretty much whatever I want. It somehow does not seem like my mom should be able to tell me what I can and cannot have in my profile. I know some of it is questionable. But that's it. Questionable. Does everything I even associate myself with have to conform to the ideals of society? It doesn't mean I agree with the people. They're confessions, for God's sake! It's supposed to be dark.
And I know that if my mom found out about this site, I would be in big trouble.
I dunno. Maybe it's just because it's summer and I have nothing to do but hang around home a lot. (This weekend, I actually found myself wishing I had drivers' ed.) Maybe it's always like this and it's just getting to me now more than usual for some unrelated reason.
I dunno. I mostly just feel terrible.
I just finished reading Slaughterhouse Five. I really liked it. I find myself wanting to write like Vonnegut.
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