Bad day. Failed band practice. My guitar sucks, and in addition to that, I can't play it. Feeling extremely low self-esteemy.
Also, awkward phone conversation with Julian. We were working out the carpool, and somehow I got the impression that he was going downtown and therefor couldn't give me a ride, and I was like, "oh, well, I was thinking about going downtown too..." and then it turned out he had some actual obligation, and I then I basically said "Oh... I guess I won't go downtown then." The conversation was extremely confusing and ended with an extended period of silence followed by an "...ok. Bye." Gah. I have to get over this. I mean, I can't even talk to the guy.
I have figured out that what I was calling loneliness is probably what most people call sexual frustration. The more time goes on, (and especially the more I sit around my house with nothing to do because I have no job) the more I realize that I really miss making out. What I'm feeling right now reminds me of when I was a vegetarian and I realized one day, "Man - I haven't eaten meat in six months." And then you start remembering that meat is really good, and you get this sort of empty feeling inside that all of the soy products in the world can't do anything about. ("Soy products" may or may not represent something in the extended metaphor. Ahem.) Maybe my mom's right. Maybe I am one of those people who needs a boyfriend to survive. That would make me feel even more low self-esteemy. But Jesus, six months is a long time.
Ugh. Stupid dying band. Stupid Julian thinking I'm an idiot. Stupid wierd feeling in the pit of my stomach that won't let me sleep...
Oh well. At least I'm not in school.
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