it suddenly clicked in 2016

4:04pm

So, sometimes you go out and say things like how you need to leave it up to the world and the world goes out and pulls you in the exact direction you were trying to avoid.

That whole entry yesterday was an extremely cathartic vent for me. I needed to say those things. I needed my brain to fully acknowledge that this whole situation freaks me out. I’ve never been in a situation like this and if I already over-analyze life in general, you can bet that this is causing my mind to run wild.

There are just so many possibilities. So many things happening. I think it’s moving too fast for me. I’m not good with change. I am very happy with my nice single life routine. And I understand that most people can just date someone and jump into a thing with them, but I can’t figure out how to do that.

I’d really like to get to know him. I am clearly attracted to him. But I want to set that aside so that we can figure each other out. Without the pressure of dating, or this having to turn into something. Just free and easy. A couple of people hanging out and having fun.

That shouldn’t be that hard!

So all that happened, and I went to sleep, and I woke up several times throughout the night but I was able to go back to sleep within like 15 minutes. No hardcore insomnia. No unstoppable thoughts. It was so wonderful.

Then I heard a familiar buzz, opened my eyes to see it was still dark, checked the clock - 6:26am, and thought, “damnit TF.” Sure enough there was a “good morning” text sitting on my phone. The first one he’s sent in almost a month!!

I thought for sure he wouldn’t be saying anything to me today. It was my turn to respond and usually he’ll let it sit for a day or two. But not this time. There he was saying good morning and I had a slight flashback to all of the things I said I was going to do yesterday.

Of course I let it sit. I went back to sleep [pretty quickly, Thank God!] and then continued to ignore it after I woke up around 9. Normally I’d respond pretty quickly to an early text like that, but I just didn’t feel like it.

It wasn’t until right before noon when I did finally get around to it. I said how here I was starting to get used to not hearing my phone buzz before 8am and that that was a new life lesson - expect the unexpected. hah. He immediately responded, “Always!”

There wasn’t really anything I needed to say in response so I decided to wait until something else came up.

Within about a half hour I was standing in my room, attempting to clean, and I saw my phone light up with his name. I briefly contemplated not answering but I was just standing there and I didn’t really have a legitimate excuse not to. So I picked up and I heard him, very quietly, ask what was up. He sounded almost somber though.

I said that I was just hanging out and he asked if I was at work. When I said no he went on this whole thing about how my mom was going to be pissed. ha. As if she weren’t over in the other room not working either. He asked what I was up to this weekend and when I said I was going to a party tomorrow he asked if it was an adult party. I laughed and said, “No. A kid’s Frozen themed birthday party!” haha. I made jokes about dressing up. He made fun of me for going. I said that they were feeding me and would probably give me lots of drinks so I was down for whatever. Being the guy that he is, he goes, “I fed you and gave you drinks! You weren’t down for whatever with me.” HA! Not shy at all that one!

I said something about how I meant only at a little kid’s party and as soon as I said it I knew it had come out the wrong way. He laughed and started saying something about how he was still learning so much about me as I tried to correct myself. I told him that he kept misunderstanding my words. He swore he was simply taking them the way they came out and I said that I was just going to stop talking before I dug that hole any deeper. haha.

We had a quick exchange about my “creepy” truck and I told him he was hurting its feelings. He said the fact that I said that it had feelings was creepy. lol. It’s just an old man’s truck. Nothing wrong with that!

I told him that I thought he was supposed to be working and he said that he was going to break his kid out of school. I guess he’d gotten out early and he’d told his son that he’d go get him if he did. They were maybe going to go to a movie, or out to eat, whatever his son wanted. I said that that was so cool and that I wished I’d had a parent like that. My mom only took me out of school to go to the dentist. lol.

At some point in the conversation, I don’t remember when, he mentioned how I’d missed my chance because I “don’t kiss my friends.” He sounded so serious when he said it. Like he’d suddenly realized that I’d put him in the friend zone, but the crazy thing is that I’ve been saying these things to him since we first started talking.

In reality, or my reality at least, the stuff I said the other day was more flirty than anything else. It’s weird that he took that in a more serious way than everything else I’d thrown at him previously.

We were only on the phone for like 5 minutes [pretty sure he was just waiting for his son] and as it was winding down, and he was starting to close out the conversation, I asked if that was all that he’d called for. He said he was just checking on me, making sure I wasn’t too heartbroken. ?? I made a joke about how I was surviving today just fine.

I kept wanting to say things about how we’d see how the future went, or how it wasn’t over yet, or how he should give me a chance to catch up. But I didn’t. Because I didn’t want to give him any kind of hope, I guess.

I really have no idea why he’s suddenly gotten so serious about it. Like what was it that made him feel like his chances were gone?

He did mention something about how he was calling so that I knew we were friends and we could call each other to talk. I think this was some time around the “don’t kiss my friends” comment.

I don’t know. I went out to dinner to our friend’s house tonight, and I’ve had some really good scotch/whiskey and I’d like to text him to say I lied about just wanting to be friends, but I can’t.

The other part of me really likes this place we’re in. Like now I feel perfectly comfortable texting him about random things. Just stuff that reminds me of him, or conversations we’ve had, and not worrying so much about the impression I’m making. Like I’ll probably text him from that Frozen party tomorrow just for laughs.

But I do still want to hang out. Maybe now I can invite him without feeling weird? Less pressure. So much less serious.

Although, if I do ever get to spend another day with him I’ll probably sit there wondering when he’s going to hold my hand again and I’ll blur all the lines because I can’t help myself.

Oh life, when did you get so complicated?

It’ll work itself out, right? It clearly always does. :-]

rose.
10:36pm