running all the time in 2016

9:24pm

My headspace is not good right now.

In the last 10 minutes I’ve had a chat exchange with Y though and I think she’s pulled me off the ledge. It’s nice to have a distraction. Perfect timing. The universe saves me again. :)

Anyway, I’ll tell you about today:
I thought I was going to have a nice quiet day on my own. Turned out not to be like that at all. But that’s ok. Sometimes it goes that way.

Also, I hadn’t heard anything from TF yesterday, or today. I was sitting outside after cleaning up Halloween decorations/mowing the lawn and drinking a beer. I started flipping through my phone and I looked at recent calls and realized that apparently I’d dialed TF’s number on Tuesday? I have no idea when that happened!!

I know I was drinking, but I certainly was not drinking enough to call someone without remembering. I have never drunk dialed any one in my life and I have had way more to drink than I did Tuesday. So that was weird, and embarrassing to imagine. I sent him that last text only 8 minutes later so I cannot figure out what happened.

I was trying to put a timeline together and I’m pretty sure I sent him that last text after I got home. That would mean that I dialed his number sometime after we got home. Like maybe after I got off the car and stuck the phone in my pocket? But it was 19 seconds long and I don’t know if he answered, or if it hit his voicemail.

What did he hear? What did I say? What the heck happened?

[sidenote: I did have a moment where I thought maybe my mom had called after I’d stepped out of the car on the way home. But she couldn’t. She wouldn’t. Right?? She says no. I’m still suspicious only because I can’t put an exact timeline together. I’ll let it go though…]

So I ended up texting him that I was poking through my phone and saw I’d apparently called and hoped he didn’t get a crazy voicemail.

He laughed and replied that I’d wanted to kiss him. Ha! I told him to shut up because that wasn’t true. I wasn’t that drunk. Maybe I’d wanted to flirt with him, but that’s all. He said I was lying. That I thought he was handsome and I want to kiss him. I wrote back that I knew he wanted to kiss me but that was a different story. I don’t kiss my friends. And we need to get that ego of his in check. He said, “ok ok ok,” and “I don’t want to kiss you anymore.”
I asked if that was true and said that he’d lied about being shy btw and that meant I had been more honest than he had. [This was a thing in the truck the other day. I said that I thought I’d been more honest so far and he got all indignant wanting me to prove when he’d lied. Not in a very serious sorta way, but still. I said that it was just something I was saying and tried to play it off until we let it go. But here I proved my point. He clearly stated several times that he was “shy” and he most definitely is not.]

He said that I knew he wasn’t shy. Dinner and other things got in the way so I didn’t respond for a couple hours. Around 7pm I said that I knew that now but he could have fooled me with the way I’d had to make him take my number and said he probably didn’t even want it.
He responded that he was in a helicopter and nervous. Uh…ok? Super random.

We had a quick exchange about this. Turns out they were flying around the ranch and when I asked if he had fun, he said it was a blast. I didn’t respond. Because in that moment something clicked for me.

He lives an entire life outside of mine. Obviously I knew this, but I don’t think it had hit me until that moment. I mean, he has a kid! And he’s very involved in his ex’s family. And there are so many things about him that don’t fit with my life.

Suddenly I wanted the chance to tell him about the waiting thing just so I could watch him walk away. Because if he walks away then it’ll justify all these thoughts I’ve been having. It wouldn’t be my problem anymore.

I’m just tired of this whole thing. I don’t like the way it makes me feel inside when I think about him. I especially hate the insomnia and I am definitely attributing that to him. It’s not a coincidence that that’s the only thing running through my head when I’m awake in the middle of the night. And I’m over it. I want to sleep. I want life to be all free and easy again. =\

And I want to run.

Surprise?

I think not. It’s totally my m-o. It’s what I’ve always done. I’m at this point right now where I want to avoid him. The next text should come from me and I don’t want to send it. I don’t want to respond if he decides to send something to me. I want to disappear and avoid the entire thing. And if he shows any sorta concern I want to tell him that this was a bad idea and I can’t do it anymore.

I know where this is coming from though: I’m clearly scared.
I don’t want to be vulnerable. I don’t want to get involved. I don’t want to get hurt. I just want to protect myself from any pain. That doesn’t make me crazy. I’m just broken.

It would just be easier to walk away right now. To not ever have to deal with this. To not have to figure out a way to fit into his perfectly established life.

What if he isn’t right for me? What if I’m just blinded by the flattery and flirting? I don’t want to make that kind of mistake.

I hate this. This is why I avoid other human beings. This is why I enjoy just spending time on my own and never even contemplating getting close to someone else. I can’t deal with this.

I just want to run. Push him away and move as fast and far away in the opposite direction as possible.

Sometimes you’ve just gotta roll with it though and leave it up to the world, right? God help me.

rose.
10:34pm