Sad Monday, November 18, 2013 in Entries from 2013

Things kept going good, until they stopped.

I've still been working a lot. I guess thats the main reason why I don't write as much anymore because if I actually have a chance to be on the computer, I tend to just work then lol.

Chris' job:

Well. If he quit his other job because he thought that he wasn't making enough money an hour, then hes fucking stupid because hes making 6$ less an hour working for this job, and getting less hours. I don't know how he thinks we are going to survive. But- I can't say anything, can I.

At the age of 17 he chose to not take a job in the mines because he thought he would lose me, and at that point he probably would have. Then again a few years ago, he started at the mines again and quit because I hated being here alone and doing this myself. So he resents me for both of those things. In every fight we have, its brought up. So when this job came about, I didn't say anything. He asked me time and time again to express how I felt about it but I couldn't tell him. I'm ok with the job, I really obviously honestly am. It will be taking him out of town a lot though. Like tomorrow he has to travel 2 hours on the icy hwy to another city, and he will be travelling back slowly servicing the other cities on the way home, so he will be gone 3 ish days. I'm really honestly not ok with that.

But I can't say anything. Because 1. He would freak out and tell me what an amazing opportunity or whatever bullshit this is and 2. I'm not the only effing person in the world who has to deal with their hubby being gone all the time, or travelling. The highways are closed around here today due to weather. This happens like 4 times a week during the winter and many people are killed on these hwys all the time. I can't express that I'm scared, because he would quit his job and I'd be blamed. We would lose everything, which I'm not sure isn't going to happen anyway. :(

You can't cut your pay in half, and expect to keep everything you own, when you think you were already struggling to begin with.

I told him about my concerns, a teeny bit, and we just got into this massive fight.

I'm happy for this job, I really am, but I honestly don't think we can live off this shit pay. He was just gone for 2 days and he was home at night (1am) on a fire call ... I barely made it through that, with the kids being cranky and all... ugh. I know I'm being a loser right now because half or more of you have your husbands gone for way more than weeks at a time, but trying being someone who has never had to do that... try being someone who married a man with promises that this wouldn't happen. If he can't make this pay work, then hes going to have to do what everyone else does, and work in a mine.

I'm so sick and fucking tired of having this conversation.

Kristen :(