So I went to the concert. The music was okay and the social aspect was slightly disappointing - partly because Julian and Dave were on stage and not talking to me for half the concert, but mostly because Adam was sitting in front of me for the whole time with Franchesca. She is very small - from the back she looks like a little girl, but her face is very adult. She has a Scandanavian look to her - large nose, small blue eyes, slanting eyebrows. Nice smile though. I started to feel very naucious when she put her head on his shoulder, and I was almost glad that my mom made me leave early because of MCAS.
I was seething when I got home, and I was sure that the following scenario would solve all of my problems: (If you're sick of my whining, don't bother reading it. If you don't know my sad story though, this reviews things pretty thouroughly.)
I am standing in the band room for some reason during lunch, and I start talking to Adam. After making conversation for a while, he mentions that he has broken up with Franchesca, and after what is obviously a lot of effort, takes a deep breath and asks if I will forgive him, and if we can start over again. I pause and give him the following speech:
"Let me explain something to you.
I loved you. You were my best friend. I came to depend on you, and I trusted that you loved me back. But one day out of nowhere, you started ignoring me. You wouldn't touch me or even talk to me. You kept me guessing about our relationship for two of the most painful months of my life. Then you didn't even have the balls to break up with me before I found out from Ivy - Ivy of all people - that you had asked someone else out. A junior that I didn't even know. You broke up with me through an email. You didn't say anything to me about her - in fact, you wouldn't make eye contact with me for several weeks - but I had to watch you touch her every other day at lunch. I used to have to leave the cafeteria so that I wouldn't throw up.
Then you send me an email appologizing about Nora - saying that it was nothing - and basically that you regretted breaking up with me, and using your depression as an excuse for breaking up with me. I thought you wanted me back. And at that point, I was willing to take you back. Then it's not another two weeks before I start seeing you with another junior that I don't know. Why the hell would you appologize if you were just going to do the same thing again? I got my hopes up, and you broke my heart for the second time.
Even all this I was willing to tolerate to stay your friend. But that you have the nerve to even think that I would take you back now - that's the last straw. I think that you are a slut. I think that you are an inconsiderate jerk. I think that you do not even come close to understanding what strong emotions are. Because of what you did to me, it is a considerable possibility that I will never have strong emotions for someone again. I sincerely suggest that you go fuck yourself, and that you do not speak to me from this point onward.
And you're not a good musician."
At this point, I would pick up whatever liquid was at hand - water, chocolate milk, valve oil - and splash it in his face. Immediately afterwards, I would become aware that all of the bandies had been listening intently for quite some time. I would turn around and walk out the door, and then all of the bandies would start clapping for me as Adam stood there with something dripping from the tip of his nose. In my fantasy world, the bandies agree with me about Adam. Although they found my extreme behavior amusing and their applause is partially sarcastic, they are at least glad that I have finally stood up for myself in the face of such blatent jerkdom of the ex-boyfriend. After that, Adam would have to eat lunch by himself in the hallway like he did when he was avoiding me in December.
Of course, this is complete fantasy. The probability of it happening is about the same as the probability that all of the atoms in my body will spontaneously jump three feet to the left. He will never try to get me back, and I will most likely never get a chance to tell him off and just keep being perfectly friendly towards him until graduation day, occasionally getting spurts of hate, but keeping them to myself. I was perfectly friendly to him today. And again, I didn't have to force it. He doesn't bother me. I just... can't get over what he did. How is it even possible to screw up that badly?
You'll notice that I have discovered how to italicize things, and that therefor I am milking it for all it's worth.
(Sigh.) I'm fine today, really. I'm still quite shockingly happy overall. I just figured I should write down what I was thinking last night, since I was so angry.
"It don't mean a thing" was indeed pretty funny. They made it sound like a Russian folk song. About halfway through, I heard Liz say, "Wasn't this in Fiddler on the Roof?" It was also disappointing how after the jazz band got off stage and I was sitting awkwardly by myself as the concert band went up, I saw Julian sitting awkwardly by himself on the other side of the auditorium. Maybe he just didn't want to walk in front of the stage. Eh.
And I suppose that as soon as Adam saw that I was sitting behind him, he looked very uncomfortable and didn't respond when Franchesca would put her head on his shoulder. So I suppose it's not his fault. He was trying not to be a jerk. Or maybe he was just being a jerk to her. Really, I don't know.
Loading comments...