Skin Deep in Flashback

  • Nov. 1, 2016, 9:05 p.m.
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  • Public

I wouldn’t say that I exude confidence. Most people would think I have a lot of confidence but I actually have very low self esteem. It’s stupid. It’s so common it hurts. It wasn’t this bad a few years ago but here I am. I took rejection pretty hard maybe? From that old Tyler saga of my life.
I feel like I am MTM transgender. I watch YouTube tips on men’s beauty and fashion. I grew out my facial hair and started to work out. Only 20 pounds of gains since February. I even looked up how to speak with a deeper voice. Just out of nowhere I wanted to be a “man”. I would feel pathetic about it all if I wasn’t so inspired by people trying to improve themselves. I just don’t know who I am and I need to have a healthy relationship with myself.
I have a trigger. It’s so common and stupid but as a gay man two things can happen when an attractive guy catches my eye. I can feel attracted or I can feel envious and jealous. I was scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook when a cute guy was in the “people you may know” section. I trolled his profile and when I found he was local and gay I immediately felt not good enough. This is why I will forever be single.
In my mind when I want to talk to someone I am interested in the same thing always happens. I convince myself that they just want to hook up. I can thank Grindr for that maybe. “Why are you here?” I hate that question. I really do. Grindr is all business but I can respect that people want it all upfront. I don’t want to be a hater or convince myself that I am better than people who like Grindr. Or anything.
I also don’t want to be a shallow person. I have been getting Pixel Laser and Intense Pulse Light treatments once a month for a year and half now to remove all my acne scars. Results are slow but they have been picking up. I have been slaving over my skin everyday but when I say that I don’t want to be shallow I mean that I can’t bring myself to be interested in someone that I don’t find attractive. It is naive and I know a person becomes more and more beautiful the more I get to know them but I feel bad that I lose interest over the way someone else looks when I can barely like the person I see in the mirror everyday. Now I am willing to feel pathetic.

Basically I have body image issues on top of all my other issues

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