in the books in 2016

10:21pm

Another very successful Halloween in the books!

By “successful” of course I mean that I scared a lot of kids tonight! :-] Hehe.

I wasn’t really looking forward to today at all. I just got really depressed about the holidays a couple of days ago. Yesterday was pretty rough for me. It was raining in the morning and it was all hitting me at once. I do know that a big part of it is that this is the first year without my uncle.

I never imagined it would be hitting me this hard. But I just keep thinking about how we didn’t get to celebrate his birthday at the steak house, or that he won’t be around for Thanksgiving. I won’t even be able to give him a hard time about helping me to string up Christmas lights. And I keep picturing him standing there in his house when I went to drop off food last year and it’s killing me. Just typing that brought tears to my eyes and I cannot control it at all. So that’s rough.

And I was kind of over this whole holiday thing. If it weren’t for the fact that Mom took all that time to handmake those ghosts and come up with decorations, I wouldn’t have gone out there at all. I was tempted to throw a bowl out there with a sign that says, “please take one.”

We pulled it together though. We were able to get a bunch of decorations and lights set up yesterday after it turned out that there was no church service at 5pm. Then today we wrapped it up after we came back from the office early this afternoon.

It definitely made me feel better after that first kid got too freaked out to walk up to me. Lol. Good times. It’s totally what I live for each year. I mean, I do give them giant handfuls of candy, so that totally makes up for scaring them. =)

There were a lot of moments where I couldn’t help but want to see TF walking up the drive. Of course he never showed but I held out a little hope.
I mean, that super warm hand of his would have come in handy out there in the cold! ;)

We had a weird text exchange earlier today. He sent a random message saying he was craving sushi. Yesterday I teased him about eating flautas after we’d seen them at the bar and discussed how much we both enjoy them. We were even tempted to eat again that night it had looked so good. He said I was lucky and I agreed and he asked why he didn’t get an invite. I said that we had a thing going where we only hang out every couple of months [or 7 yrs if he has anything to say about it] and that I didn’t want to ruin it. He never responded, which is probably why he sent that random sushi text today.

I said that I guessed he already knew what was for dinner and too bad he couldn’t invite me [we’d talked about how I don’t really do seafood. In a weird coincidence he’d gone for sushi on the same day that JR had invited me to go out with him for the same thing!] He said there wouldn’t be any sushi tonight since there would be trick or treating. I told him to have the food before he went out and then asked if they had any big plans or if he was dressing up. He said no big plans because it was a school night. Uh. Ok. I did this whole “sorry I don’t know about school nights. jiminy. =P I thought there were exceptions for Halloween. You were the one that mentioned trick or treating.” And he just wrote back, “no exceptions.” So yeah. That was weird. I put the funny face in there because I totally understand how text tone can be misinterpreted. His responses were weird though so I just wrote back “good to know” and left it at that. Whatever.

A little while ago we were watching this Nashville country music thing. Mom and I were complaining about how none of them were there when we went. She said that we could go again. I told her that that was ok, I was over it, and I could just find my cowboy right here in town. Then adjusted it to the next town over where there’s more opportunity.
She goes, “well you can just tell TF to put a cowboy hat on.”
Me: “ah. ha ha. right.” “I can’t picture him in a cowboy hat. It doesn’t fit.”
Mom: “Yeah. I don’t know. He might look good. He could probably pull it off. I think he could look good.”
Me: “Still can’t picture it. A baseball cap yeah, but not a cowboy hat. It would be weird. I can’t even see him in a pair of boots.”

Then she went on to ask about what kind of shoes he was wearing, which I didn’t notice. She scoffed. I told her that it wasn’t like I was just sitting there checking him out. She asked why not. Lol. Oh mother…

In reality though, I wasn’t checking him out in that way. I was too busy staring into his eyes, I guess. =) I do know he was wearing a light blue shirt, and a sweater, and maybe dark blue jeans? I know he had shoes on but they could have been anything from tennis shoes to work boots. haha. I really didn’t pay that much attention. I should check next time. They aren’t typical boots, for sure. It would have to be like a work boot, but probably not. I don’t know. I’ll update you next time. ha.

Funny that she brings him up that way though. I like to tell her things, but I also try not to tell her every thing. She is my mother after all.
She was just asking about this “school night” situation and how often he has his son, but it didn’t come up. We were together for a long time but we didn’t really talk about that many things. Certainly not as serious as his relationship with his ex and their custody situation. I’m having trouble wrapping my mind around that whole thing anyway. Like, he has a kid! That’s so huge. And I love how devoted he seems to be to him, and how smart and sweet that kid seems to be, but it’s such a huge thing. It’s not just me hanging out with TF. It’s me hanging out with TF who has to manage a schedule around a very demanding job and a kid. I really wouldn’t be surprised if it were another couple of months before we saw each other again.

This whole thing really does have me conflicted. I cannot stop thinking about him. I have never felt such an intense attraction to anyone and I certainly never expected it to happen with him. He was always just that guy, with those eyes, that I’d watch walk into the room and interact with. But never in a million years would I have guessed to be sitting here right now talking about this. And I can’t help but wonder if my attraction is a result of his flattering comments. Like do I only like him because he likes me? I don’t know. That can’t be true. But it’s in my head.

Really I just need to find a way to sleep. I have not been able to get on a decent sleep schedule since before Texas. Everything is just all over the place in my head. I need it to go away so that I can focus on life. I know that I am about to get super busy at work and that’s going to be a huge distraction. I won’t have time for any of this. Which is kind of bittersweet.

But I think I’m good right now. I am actually going to look forward to Thanksgiving [we’re hosting! and TF wanted to be invited to leftover flautas the next day (though I’m not sure that’ll happen) so we’ll see]. Then Christmas and then crazy season.

Take it one day at a time, right? That’s the only way to survive the crazy.

rose.
11:54pm