Must be running on a little luck in 2016

9:07pm

I basically floated through this day.

Sleeping was bad last night. I mean I went to bed around 12:30a and was up again by 2:30a. Not cool. I was only up for like an hour but it always feels worse than that in the moment when you can’t get back to sleep. Then I woke up about 15 minutes before my alarm went off at 8. I did lay around for another hour. I was actually starting to fall asleep around 9 but figured that wouldn’t be a very good idea. I need to be tired enough to sleep through the night.

Yesterday feels as if it didn’t exist. Like it was one big day-dream. One of those moments that I create in my brain when I’m anxious about a new situation. That’s exactly what it feels like.

It can’t be real, right? I wasn’t actually sitting across from him in that restaurant. I wasn’t actually sitting shotgun in his truck with his hand in mine. That could not have happened. That never happens.

Not to a girl like me, at least.

I have never been around anyone so bold. I have never had a guy want to touch me the way he did. I know that’s crazy. I’m too old to be experiencing these things for the first time but that’s just the way it is.

And I want to be so cautious. I didn’t want to let him hold my hand. I wanted to put my walls up and push him away. I really didn’t mean to send such mixed signals. I mean letting him hold my hand while reminding him that we are only friends? That’s not cool. I shouldn’t have done that. But I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t think of anything other than wanting to hold his hand. =P

I’m in this constant conflict between wanting to live in the moment because there’s only this one, and wanting to protect myself because I know it’s going to fall apart.

I need to find a way to tell him about the abstinence. I mean I’m not that naive. He’s a guy and I know exactly what he wants and is thinking about. I cannot let this go any further without telling him. It wouldn’t be fair. He has the right to decide if this is worth it. And I wouldn’t care either way. There wouldn’t be any hard feelings. These are my ideals and beliefs and I would never push them on any one else. He has to decide for himself.

How am I ever supposed to find the right opportunity though? That’s not something that you just blurt out. I’d have to be alone with him and I’d want it to be when we’re relatively close to home so I don’t get stuck in some super awkward situation.

You know, I don’t really think this is fair. Like why do I have to be the one that worries about all this stuff? If I could just be like every other girl in 2016 then maybe I wouldn’t be having this problem. Well, I definitely would not be having this problem. And that sucks. That just because I’m not like everyone else I have to sit here and super stress about how I’m supposed to tell some guy that I can’t, and won’t, sleep with him.

I just wanted to be friends. That’s all. I didn’t mean for it to go this way. But I was riding that alcohol buzz and I was being all playful and cute and now I’ll be paying the price.

He sent me a text this afternoon around 4. I had literally just had a moment where I was cursing myself for letting it go where it went. I was telling myself that it would be so much easier if I never heard from him again. I wouldn’t have to worry about having these conversations. I could just move on.
But then I walked back to the couch, and streched out, and within a minute my phone buzzed with a text. I thought it could be anyone else [but sorta hoped it would be him] and there he was saying good morning. I told him that I was pretty sure he’d missed the morning and it was getting closer to the evening now. He laughed and said he knew that. And I did that cute thing where I asked if he’d just gotten up or if it had taken him that long to recover from awesome and fun I am. His response: “It did take a toll on me.” Uh…what’s that supposed to mean?! I didn’t know if I should let my mind wander to the gutter and assume that’s what he meant or what. So I said, “uh oh. Is that a good or bad thing? I can’t tell.” He said “good” and that’s where it ended up.

Now I’m stuck again. Because I need to have this conversation with him. It could be another 2+ months before we hang out again. And I really want to ride this out, but I can’t. I don’t want to hurt him. It’s not fair.

It’s so much easier to just pretend like yesterday never happened. It was all a dream. Just a dream…

rose.
10:25pm