So vacation basically sucked. I used to not mind doing nothing with my parents, but this time it was just horrible. We walked around and looked at stuff in shops. We went out to eat. We watched TV. Once, we went to the beach, but it was cold and as soon as I got there I realized all I would be doing is standing around on the beach instead of sitting around in our hotel, so I asked to go home. ...That was it. I mean, I don't think it's anything in particular about my parents. It's not like, "Oh, I'm a teenager, therefor hanging out with my parents is Hell." It was just WICKED BORING.
These were the highlights of the vacation:
I watched this thing on animal planet about how in 200 million years, Paris will be a giant rainforest, humans will be extinct, and the dominance of mammals will have ended. This, I was ok with. But then it started talking about how squid - yes, squid - are going to move onto land to replace mammals. Even though they have no skeletons. Even though they only stay in one piece because of water pressure. Even though there would be NO ADVANTAGE AT ALL to coming onto land to inhabit a giant rainforest. I'm pretty sure this show takes itself seriously though. I mean, there was computer animation of what the squid are going to look like and everything, and the guy who was talking about it had one of those serious, nature film narrator type voices. Anyway, I thought it was hillarious.
We saw a restauraunt called "Sister Mary Katherine's Internet CafĂ," which I also thought was hillarious.
...Yep. Those were the highlights.
I thought about Adam a lot while we were there, and as a result I was pretty depressed for the whole time. (Or maybe it was the other way around.) I think it was just because I didn't have anything better to think about. In any case, the whole time we were there, I couldn't wait for my psych appointment today. I thought that would make everything better. I had all this stuff that I was planning to say.
However, it turns out that the psych appointment sucked as much as, if not more than the vacation. For the fist twenty minutes or so, we talked about stuff that had nothing to do with anything, like school and artists that I like, since I had forgotten all the great stuff I had been planning on saying and she wasn't asking me any questions. About halfway through, I brought up my late night freak out. Then we talked about Adam. I started crying, which I hate. I complained about how I am not over him even though I should be, and how I DO NOT want to be one of those pathetic, sentimental girly-girls who gets dumped and can't function, and how I don't understand WHY I'm still so sad, because I definately don't still LIKE him, and I was never even that comfortable in a relationship to begin with. She didn't really say too much, and what she did say I'm pretty sure I already knew. I left feeling much worse than I had when I came in.
When we were driving home, my mom picked up on the fact that I felt bad, and we got into a not-so-pleasant discussion about where this is going. It turns out that my mother is afraid that A, I won't talk to her anymore because I have someone else to talk to, B, I'll end up in therapy that isn't helping forever just because I feel obligated to keep trying, and C, they'll put me on drugs.
I said that I don't really want to go on drugs either, but that if it's between taking drugs for the rest of my life and being depressed for the rest of my life, I'll take the drugs.
My mom kept saying that if the therapy isn't working and is only making me more depressed, we should stop. I kept saying "and then what? What else am I supposed to do?" She kept not answering. Finally she said, "Then we call your regular doctor and ask if she has any suggestions besides therapy." "...And it will be drugs," I said. "Why do you think that?" "Because obviously if there's no REASON for this at all, if I just feel like crap all the time even though I have a perfectly good life, it's just chemical and all the talking in the world isn't going to do anything about it because there's nothing to talk ABOUT."
I never brought up Adam. I really do not want my mother to know that I still feel sad about him on almost a daily basis. But I don't even think he IS the problem, nessescarily. I mean, if it takes me this long to get over someone, there's probably something else wrong anyway. I'd be willing to bet that he's just an excuse, and that there really is nothing behind this but.... me. I'm just depressed. That's just the way it is.
I felt like absolute shit during that carride home. I really didn't know what I was going to do with myself once I did get home either. The best I could come up with was "sit in my room and stare at the wall and cry." But then we went to the music store to pick up my amp, which made me feel a little better. I told the guy who fixed it that it had stopped working during a gig. You would have thought I'd said I was in a car accident. After he gave it back to me he said, "Make sure to play the Hell out of it when you get home, just to make sure. We can't have THAT happen again. I mean, a gig's a gig. Sometime's it's just GOTTA work, you know?" There is also finally a female working there, which is exciting, although from the sounds of it she just works at the counter and doesn't actually give lessons or anything.
I suppose I should call people about practice tomorrow, since we're basically screwed. What else is new?
Anyway, if anyone has been on anti-depressants or has any other information about them, your input would be greatly appreciated. Are they worth it? Do they change your personality? Do you have to take them forever? I really don't know what I'm getting into here.
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