Never tested in 2016

10:20pm

I don’t actually have a lot to say tonight, but I am feeling the need to write something up so we’ll see how it goes.

Funny how I can produce all these entries when there are boy things going on, huh? Like last year was all quiet and sad in terms of total entries, but this stuff is pulling up this year’s tally big time. haha.

I was thinking about something tonight - how yesterday on the phone, almost immediately after we started talking, TF started yawning. He was saying that he shouldn’t have laid his seat back because he was starting to get tired. I made a lot of jokes about needing a nap. I’m determined to convince the guy to learn how to sleep more! :)

We talked a lot about our sleeping habits. He wakes up with an alarm at 4am, but usually before. He’s a super light sleeper. He was talking about how he wakes up several times a night and how he was bummed because he woke up before his alarm yesterday, like at 3am. He said that he’s been working out every night and that he thought that would help him sleep all night, but it hasn’t.
[sidenote: how did I end up talking to a guy who works out? We are so on opposite ends of the exercise spectrum…]

Anyway, some thing must have come up today that reminded me of this moment. I was thinking about it and realized how much I actually enjoyed the way he seemed so vulnerable. Like I could picture him all sleepy and tired lying in his seat. Honestly, it just made me think about how much I’d want to cuddle into him in that moment. Which is crazy.

I’ve never been put in this position before. I’ve never actually had to deal with these thoughts/ideas/emotions. The morals and ideals that I’ve grown up with have never been tested or challenged in any way. It’s always just been cool and easy. Nothing like this. None of these thoughts. And I’m not sure what to do. This might just turn out to be the biggest and purest test I have ever had to face and I don’t know how to handle that.

I haven’t actually heard anything from him. I really want him to say something first since he said he’d get in touch soon with plans. But I don’t know if I should wait. I am kinda worried that maybe something happened to him, but that’s mostly because I’m always all ‘worst-case-scenario’ about things and he was talking about inhaling all these gas fumes. I’ll probably end up sending a text tomorrow saying that I’m ok with winging it but he might want to at least give me a time.

Or maybe he’s just going to stand me up again? hah. We’ll see.

Too many thoughts. Too much introverted panic about being stuck with someone for so many hours. What if we don’t have anything in common? What if there’s a lot of awkward silence? What if we can’t come up with any topics to discuss? What if we actually can’t stand each other?? Ack!

I need to just relax and try to go with this. It’s just that I haven’t been in a situation like this before and I don’t do well with the unknown…

rose.
10:50pm