I don't particularly feel like writing right now, but I suppose this requires an update. Thursday after I wrote, I got pretty depressed and told my mom I think I need to see someone. I guess she's looking into it. Now I'm kind of scared though. I mean, what if it ends up just being wierd and awkward and not helping at all? Twice in middle school - in sixth grade and again in eighth grade - I tried to talk to the school guidance councelor about being depressed. Both times I just ended up with the impression of "They don't know what I'm talking about." I'm also kind of nervous that they'll want to put me on medication, mostly because it seems to me that there's never been any real cause to my depression. It's not like I have family problems or low self esteem or anything. I've always just kind of been... sad. So logically, it must just be chemical. But I'm not sure how I feel about anti-depressants. I mean, you can talk about "brain chemistry" and "chemical imbalances" all you want, but what you're essentially still doing when you administer anti-depressants is giving the person an artificial high. I keep wondering if it would interfere with my creativity or anything. I keep thinking of the song Lithium. Maybe some people are just naturally sad. I mean, what exactly is the difference between "brain chemistry" and "personality?" I'm not sure if I would go to the point of chemically altering who I am. But what if that's the only thing that will help? I don't exactly know what talking will do. What is there to talk about? Then I think "Then why the hell do you want help?"
Anyway, yesterday I went downtown. First I went to the middle school with Molly and Dave, and we talked to our old Latin teacher for over an hour. She's so awesome. She started complaining about our current Latin teacher even before we started complaining about him. Then Molly went to her viola lesson and Dave and I went looking for Tom. We eventually found him wandering around with a group of people that included Adam. They told us this whole story about how they saw this old guy sitting on the hood of his car outside his daughter's house, and he told them that he was locked out and that his daughter worked at the photo shop, but he didn't seem to know where he was, so they volenteered to go to the photo shop and get her. So we went to the photo shop. Then we went to the park, which made me a little uneasy but which Adam didn't seem to mind. He and I talked quite a bit, and at one point he came up between me and Tom and rested his elbows on both of our shoulders. When I said I had to go, he said "Aw. Bye." I told my mother the story about the photo shop but failed to mention that Adam had been in the group. Then I did a bunch of boring errands with her and went home. I really wish I knew what the hell was going on Adam-wise.
Oh, and I have one more thing to say: Ska cover of "I will survive." How awesome would that be? I'm working on the horn parts right now.
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