trippy days in 2016

7:59pm

Well, today was an interesting day!

I am currently sitting/lying on the air mattress in my brother’s living room. We’re getting ready to head back home. Always bittersweet. I love how relaxed I am here. I don’t seem to care much about my appearance out here. Not like I don’t care at all. I still look like a decent human being. I will not go out in public in my pjs or anything of the sort. I just don’t know if it’s because I don’t know anyone around here so that keeps me from caring too much, or what. My self-esteem seems to slink down lower in a place where I may or may not run into people. Too many old emotions in that one.

Also, I can no longer claim to have never tried marijuana. heh. heh. =]
It’s legal in Washington, right? My brother and I had talked about it when it was legalized around the time he left. We’ve both talked about wanting to try it but never really gone all the way. I think we’d also talked about it in Texas with our cousin. Then he moved back here and his friend had him try it. Only the edible kind, no smoking.

We were joking the other day about all of us doing it [him, Mom, and I] and how funny that would be. I mean, imagine?? haha.

I wasn’t really convinced. I’ve heard so many different stories about what it could feel like. And I don’t know. I have had some bad drunken nights. Like the kind where I’m cursing my drinking habits, and lack of water, and get pissed about being too drunk to sleep. lol. So I wasn’t sure if it would be like that and I would freak out.

This morning Mom and I went to the laundromat and washed all my brother’s blankets [because he’s a lazy son]. I’ll probably do it every time I come to town now that I know where it’s at and how easy it was.

After that we went to the store. I wandered over to the beer section to see what kind of bottle I could pick up. As I walked by I was scanning the boxes and saw Irish Death in a can! I’d completely forgotten about that! I mean, I thought about it the other day, and after we were heading into town and I saw the sign for the place Ck’s cousin lives [the one that introduced him to it], but then I forgot until I saw the cans. They also had the bottle, but it was a better deal to get the cans and you all know I’m cheap like that. Plus you can recycle the can and make money for your next six-pack. hah! ;) Anyway, I picked up two and plan to take the leftovers home.

I so badly wanted to text Ck a picture though! All I could think of was taking a picture and shooting it over to him. I could even come up with an acceptable sentence to pair along with it about finally being back here and thinking about him.

But yeah. That didn’t happen. And it won’t. It still crushes me. I want closure but I know I won’t even get it.

So. We got home and were about to have breakfast when my brother offered a piece of a cookie. He said I had to take it before I ate so that I could feel whatever it was going to do. I was seriously skeptical. Peer pressure and curiosity got the best of me and I ate half of what he had. That was at about 12:30p. About an hour later I was sitting on the computer and started noticing that I was losing focus on everything. Also my movements were staggered and like in slow motion. ha.

By 2pm I put the computer away [before I did anything dumb lol] and was ready to lay down. I spent the next several hours fading in and out of the real world and the day dreaming world. The “trip” description makes much more sense now. haha. I think my body tried to fight it at first, and it was making me feel bad, but then I decided that I could just fade into it. A lot of people get high and it’s supposed to really relax you. So I went with it.

If I was talking to someone I was completely focused and having an intelligent conversation, but then within like 5 seconds it would fade from my mind and come back much later. Things were happening in slow motion and on a delayed track.

Pretty trippy. I’m not sure it’s something I’d want to do again. I tend to enjoy the buzz from alcohol a bit more. Mostly because I feel like I can still control a lot of my senses. This was just slightly too much out of my control.

A lot of my day dreaming phase tended to lean towards the TF realm, which of course. He’s pretty much always on my mind these days. I will say that my insomnia has gotten better while I’ve been gone. Hoping it won’t return when I get home again. knock on wood He also hasn’t sent me any 6am texts since Monday so that probably helps my sleep.

He got his phone back on Monday so we exchanged some texts that day. I made jokes about how it was good he told me or some stranger would get my good texts. He said he’d be a lucky stranger to which I obviously agreed. :) I said that I realized I learned more about him in that one call than I had in a hundred texts. He replied, “True.” Then later that night, because his response was unsatisfying, I went about as vulnerable as I go and said it might be nice if it happened more often and added a joke about how that would probably just make him call when he was bored.

I sent it late at night so I didn’t expect a response, but when I didn’t hear anything back the next morning I got all like: THIS is why I don’t even try to go vulnerable in the slightest bit. [I realize that didn’t really put me in a vulnerable position, but I use the jokes as a form of protection. (and I quote Passenger)]
Around noon I got a text asking me if I liked to dance. Immediately my head jumped to the whole “you’ll be surprised” comment and how maybe he’s trying to plan something. Trying to figure out what I like and what not.

I responded that I wasn’t a particular fan of dancing in public. That I do it more at home alone and asked if he was a dancer and if I should practice. He said he didn’t mind to dance [interesting…] but then brought up ‘twerking.’ I played it off pretty cool; trying not to take it all too seriously. Joking about how it was a nice try but I was the wrong generation and wrong kinda girl. [We’d talked about this before over the phone on the first call, but I guess he’d forgotten] He said he could see me doing that and I was kind of over it so I asked if he was drinking and said that people weren’t going to find him so charming anymore. He asked if it wasn’t classy [like duh! it’s not] and I didn’t respond.

About a day later, I was still traveling and I was feeling bad about not responding/keeping up the conversation so I sent a text saying that I didn’t think he really needed a response to that and asked how his week of being a secretary was going. [I mentioned this? How on the call he said he was going to be doing a lot of admin work this week and that being a secretary sucked. I was about to make a joke when he quickly covered it up saying that it wasn’t the job that sucked. All jobs were important. blah, blah. Nice save dude! He just meant it sucked compared to what he used to do (and I imagine b/c he can’t sit still)] He said his week was going good and that he loved being an admin. Since there were no exclamation points I said I could feel the enthusiasm and that at least it was half-way over. He said he was pumped and that’s it.

Since I was on the road I didn’t care about responding right away. I didn’t know what to say anyway so I let it go. It’s been sitting there ever since. I’m not being as weird about it as I have been. Perhaps because I am out of town and I have so many other things going on. Also because I’m really getting to a place where I can let the world take over and take it where it may. Whatever happens, happens.

I don’t know if my mindset will change once I’m back in town. I might shoot him a text saying I’m back if I don’t hear anything, but I don’t know. We’ll see how it goes. I am sorta reaching this point where I’m tired of waiting. Honestly, if anyone else were interested then I would gladly take them up on an offer to go out. I’m keeping my options open. My options and my mind. All open.

[And maybe the only thing holding me back from actively seeking someone else is that he assured me he wouldn’t wait that long and that whole thing about a “surprise”. Some weird hope that he might actually be planning something…]

Like I said, we’ll see how it goes when I get back home. I have a busy work schedule to take care of once I get there. Then Halloween. Then Thanksgiving planning since we’re hosting this year. Also work starts back up and the holidays are always hectic anyway. I’ll have plenty of distractions if I need them.

For now: bed. Well, finishing this beer and then bed. Tomorrow we’ll pack up our stuff and head over to see my uncle again. We’ll probably do some shopping and then see how far we get.

I’m kind of tired of the road, even though I never thought I’d say that.

rose.
10:16pm